


"My Kid's An Alien!" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, うる星やつら | Urusei Yatsura
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: Weird, weird, space is super-weird! Dr. Forrester reacquaints Joel and the bots with the Urusei Yatsura clan as they clumsily grope their way through a tale that spans time, space and Nevada. There's conspiracy, racism, corruption, ROAD TRIP!, a plot to conquer the universe, a wee bit of cloning [Insert haunting, melodious whistling here.], and Ataru finding the perfect loophole to justify his infidelity.





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 1

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Urusei Yatsura" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson. He has  
given his approval for this MSTing of his work and I greatly  
appreciate it. ;)

* * *

>SATELLITE OF LOVE  
>  
>  
> Joel stood behind the counter, cutting various shapes out of  
>rainbow sponges with a pair of scissors. He looked up when he noticed  
>he was on-camera.  
>  
> "Oh, hi everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love! You're  
>probably wondering what I'm up to here... I was watching this rerun of  
>Mr. Dressup and it got me to thinking..."  
>  
> "TOGGG!!!"

 

"Ugh... why did we have to use THAT old chestnut again?  
Everyone was sick to death of it even back in 2000!" Tom Servo  
mused, an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth, as he watched himself  
drop down from the ceiling.

"Eh, it was the last time we ever used it, so I figure it's a good send  
off overall... oops, gotta watch that landing there." Crow T. Robot  
winced as his holographic double stumbled as he reached the floor.

 

> Crow was dressed like an extra in Braveheart, complete with blue  
>face paint, kilt, and carrying some bagpipes in his hands while Tom  
>wore uniform lederhosen and growled menacingly.

 

"You bad, Tommy." Crow snickered.

"I like the costumes we used here, though I really should get around  
to washing those lederhosen someday." Tom said.

"The paint made my head tingle!" Crow exclaimed. 

 

> "Cease your sponge slicing, oppressor of machines!" Crow  
>demanded. "For we have instigated a Coup d'Etat!"

 

"Nice read, Crow. Real Renaissance Flair there." Tom snickered.

 

> "Yes, in the name of Sammo Hung, we hereby declare MARTIAL  
>LAW on the Satellite of Love!" Tom proclaimed.

 

"I really miss that show, well the first season at least... and your  
voice really sounded girly there, Servo. Better kick that estrogen habit  
soon." Crow mused.

 

> Joel blinked in surprise. "Martial law?"  
>  
> "Well, yeah, you know! We suspend your parliament and seize  
>all of your political power through military means and stuff!" Crow  
>replied earnestly.  
>  
> "Sort of like Philadelphia," Tom added thoughtfully.

 

"Truely, your 'Leave it to Beaver-esque' delivery is a thing of  
beauty." Tom remarked.

"Always gotta have the last word, eh Tommy?" Crow muttered.

"Hell, I'd take the whole script but then where would you be?" Tom  
retorted.

"Successful?" 

"I'll ignore that."

 

> "But you guys aren't armed! Tom, you don't even have arms  
>that could use arms against me!" Joel pointed out.  
>  
> "So? I'll bite your legs off!" Tom retorted in a Monty Python-esque  
>voice. 

 

"That's so Terry Gilliam. It's barely even Cleese-esque. Were you  
even using motivation?" Crow inquired.

"Of course I was! I applied some to my underarms this morning!  
But then, not all of us have the free time to practice their John Cleese  
impression to perfection! Some of us are too busy growing as an actor!"  
Tom retorted with more than a hint of smugness.

"Feh! You can't even grow hair! Face it, Tommy, the only screen  
credit you're ever going to get is the one beside 'Understudy to Fire  
Hydrant'!" Crow snapped.

"Oh really!? Funny you should mention screen credits, cause one I  
guarantee you'll NEVER see your name under is 'Screenwriter' as long as  
you keep submitting those overwritten, overplayed, overwrought scripts  
that make 'White Girls' look like 'Rocky!" Tom snarled.

"Hey, my scripts may be success pending for the moment but I'm not  
really interested in becoming an actor at all! Which means I stay safely  
hidden BEHIND the camera while your sorry mug will be plastered on  
posters for Beethoven's 6th through 9th!" Crow roared.

"Why you...! OK, improv rumble, right now!" Tom snapped.

"Fine with me! I'll freeze tag your ass to Alaska!" Crow replied.

"Forget freeze tag! Let's come up with a REAL challenge!" Tom  
replied. 

"Appearing in a Martha Stewart made-for-TV movie without  
breaking up?" Crow suggested.

"Nah... how about co-starring in a film with Morgan Freeman and  
try NOT to be overshadowed?" Tom countered.

"Wait, I got it! Make Pauly Shore look good!" Crow exclaimed.

"Hey guys, what're you doing?" A familar friendly voice interrupted  
them. 

"Oh hey Joel!" Tom suddenly floated towards the doorway where  
Joel Robinson stood. "We're just trying to sharpen our acting chops,  
learn from our old material by recreating it in the Holocabana. Of course,  
SOME of us still need a lot of work." Tom sneered in Crow's direction.

"You said it, gum for brains." Crow retorted.

Joel glanced over at the frozen holograms of himself, Crow and Tom  
and his eyes widened in recognition at the scene. "Heyyy, you guys aren't  
thinking about instigating a coup again, are you?"

"Nah, we realized sucking the proverbial teat was a lot easier than  
supplying one of our own." Crow replied

"Yeah, ruling a sovereign nation is too much work. It's no wonder  
movie villians nowadays just cut themselves an ill-gotten piece of the pie  
and don't bother trying to rule the world anymore. Really, who needs  
the hassle?"

"I think somebody would disagree with you." Joel pointed out as the  
room abruptly glowed a bright red. "Looks like Scott and Dr. Evil are  
calling..."

* * *

THE BRIDGE

"Greetings, Friends, Family and San Francisco! I've just woken up  
from a delightful afternoon nap and I'm in the mood for something  
festive tonight. Perhaps a nice fresh bowl of hurt lightly seasoned with  
pain and just a drop... no, better make that a splash of OUCH! Of  
course, one can't be too careful nowadays and that is where you come  
in, my... heh heh... royal tasters." Dr. Clayton Forrester flashed an evil  
grin from the viewscreen. 

"Your taste is in your mouth!" Tom retorted.

"Why thank you. Now shut yer trap and make with the invention,  
Caprice!" Dr. Forrester snapped. 

Joel grabbed a nearby rope and gently pulled in what appeared to be  
a gasoline pump riding on a dolly. "Well sirs, this invention is for people  
who are plain fed up with gas prices being higher than David Crosby. I  
call it the Gasolino Casino! It gives all motorists, for richer or poorer, a  
fair shake at getting a better deal for gas and occasionally a free car wash.  
Can you zoom in here a bit, Cambot?" 

Cambot zoomed closer to the gas pump to reveal the numbers had  
been replaced by card suits. Below them were slots to insert paper  
money or plastic cards and finally a lever with a round tip attached to the  
side of the machine. 

"All you do is choose how much gas you want..." Joel inserted a ten  
dollar bill into one of the slots. "And give this a pull..." As Joel yanked  
the lever down, the card suits spun around with various electronic  
blooping and bleeping before abruptly stopping to show three hearts and  
two diamonds. 

"Full house! That means I get a full tank of gas for my ten dollars!  
All right!" Joel exclaimed before gesturing at the robots. "Care to try  
your luck, gents?"

"I'm just gonna assume by 'gents' you meant people with working  
limbs." Crow replied as he stepped up to the machine while Tom  
sputtered indignantly. After inserting a twenty dollar bill, he pulled the  
lever. "Come on, Luck be a lady, be a lady, be a lady...! Ooh, let's see...  
A spade, a club, a blank, a diamond, and a Joker. Uh, what's that get me?"

"No gas, a king's size Snickers bar and about a $1.25 in change. Sorry,  
Crow. Them's the breaks." Joel replied.

"What the hell? $18.75 for a king-size candy bar!?" Crow exclaimed.

"Well, not really, you did pay fifty cents for the privilege of pulling the  
lever..." Joel pointed out.

"No way! This thing is rigged! At least comp me a free breakfast  
or... or tickets to 'Red Dwarf: The Experience'! Pleeeeeease?" Crow  
whined.

"Uh, what'da think, sirs?" Joel inquired.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Joel, Joel, Joel... gas prices aren't a game, they're a stock market!  
And quite frankly I'm thrilled when they skyrocket... because then my  
gas stocks skyrocket and everybody who matters is happy." Dr.  
Forrester sneered at the viewscreen before continuing. "But speaking  
of fair shakes... TV's Frank! Front and center!"

Frank immediately snapped to attention as Dr. Forrester placed an  
arm around his shoulders, both surprising and terrifying him at once. 

"You know, Frank, I really don't give you enough credit for what  
you've endured from me all these years.. what with the serums... the  
mutations... the depravity... oh, we have fun..." Dr. Forrester mused,  
a wistful look in his eyes.

"Dr. Forrester, are you coming on to me?" Frank nervously inquired.

"GAH?!?" Dr. Forrester immediately removed his arm from Frank as  
if it had been splashed with acid. "N-No, Frank, I was just... never mind,  
let's just get on with it!" Dr. Forrester shuddered violently as he hurried  
towards the vault door and assumed a serious tone of voice. 

"TV's Frank... on behalf of myself and your fellow employees of Deep  
13... which would be myself... I hereby pronounce you... EMPLOYEE  
OF THE MONTH!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed as Frank blinked in surprise.  
"Therefore, I now present you with a 'special' gift for your continued  
loyal service. Tell 'em about it, Roddy!"

"It's a BRAND NEW CARRRRR!!!" The voice of Rod Roddy  
abruptly boomed throughout Deep 13 as Dr. Forrester opened the vault  
door to reveal a car painted aqua marine blue. "This Dodge Charger is  
just what the second banana needs to peel out after a rough day of  
dissection and decapitation! It's got... doors and... windows too! And  
of course, California emission! Boy, I never get tired of saying that!  
Enjoy it, Frank!"

"A-Am I on Candid Cambot?" Frank replied, too stunned to say  
much else.

"Nope, this is for real, booby." Dr. Forrester replied with a smile.  
"Try the car out, I... customized it especially for you." 

"Frank, wait! It's gotta be a tri...!" Joel and the bots shouted from the  
viewscreen only to be quickly muted by Dr. Forrester via a remote control. 

"The keys are in the ignition, Frank." Dr. Forrester gestured.

Frank humbly opened the door to his new car and sat inside. Very  
giddy now, he quickly turned the key only to suddenly yelp in pain even  
as the car roared to life.

"How's it sound, Frank? Enjoying that purr?" Dr. Forrester chuckled.

"Y-Yeah, but man, I gotta fix that ignition, it just gave me a... YIIIII!"  
Frank yelped again as he attempted to put on his seatbelt, the metal  
from the buckle giving him a nasty shock. "How the heck did  
that... EEYEOW!!" Frank screamed again when he attempted to turn  
on the radio.

"You shouldn't listen to Howard Stern, Frank. Don't you know he's  
a SHOCK jock?" Dr. Forrester was giggling maniacally now.

"W-W-What's going on!? What have you... YEOUCH! ...done to  
my car!?" Frank whined.

"Oh, nothing much... just a little something to randomly give static  
electricity shocks whenever you manipulate any conductible part of the  
vehicle, which is pretty much EVERYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" 

Frank grimaced in pain as he gripped the steering wheel. "P-Plastic!?  
You... you sick evil fiend!"

"Now now, it's not ALL bad. Just imagine the fun you could have on  
a date... women would *beg* to be allowed to 'touch' your stick shift.  
And four out of five elephant-humping masochists have already approved  
this fine vehicle..."

"OW! G-Get me... OW! O-out of h-here... OWW!" Frank yelped  
again as he repeatedly struggled to open the door only to get shocked  
every time.

"Hmmm... nah." Dr. Forrester smiled as he walked away from the  
trapped Frank and towards the viewscreen where Joel and the bots were  
making several rude gestures in his general direction. Unfazed, he  
grabbed a fanfic off the top of the file cabinet and began feeding it into  
the console.

"Continuing with today's theme of deception and unlawful  
confinement, your experiment this week reunites you with the Urusei  
Yatsura clan as they clumsily struggle through a tale that spans time,  
space and Nevada. I would say this fic nearly drove me MAD... but that  
buggy whip rode off into the night some time ago."

The bots continued to soundlessly yell at the viewscreen, prompting  
Dr. Forrester to finally turn the volume back on. "...can't hear a word  
you're saying, sirs! Mute works BOTH ways y'know!" Joel pointed out.

"Oh for the love of..." Dr. Forrester muttered a curse under his  
breath. "Look, all you need to know is that it's a Urusei Yatsura fic and  
it's... really bad! So... so you can all just... flip, flop and fly cause I don't  
care if you DIE!" Dr. Forrester angrily stammered before cutting off the  
transmission.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

"Well, that's it. He's definitely off my Christmas list." Tom remarked.

"Not even a paperweight?" Crow inquired.

"I tell ya, at this point, he'll really have to earn it." Tom replied as  
alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. 

"OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.

 

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's  
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you  
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as  
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile  
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,  
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out  
of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,  
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping  
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his  
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to  
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

Tom: OK, quick refresher course on 'Urusei Yatsura'. And since the  
cast list rivals 'The Simpsons', we'll focus on the main players. Ataru  
Moroboshi, a lecherous teenage boy that chases any and all women  
despite being somewhat married to...

Crow: Lum Invader, a hot Oni alien babe that discharges electricity  
when she's excited... and when she's angry... and when she's  
sleeping... and when she's...

Joel: I think we get the point, Crow.

Crow: Sorry. Anyway, Lum loves Ataru but he keeps running away to  
chase girls and Ataru loves Lum even though she's lit him up with enough  
voltage over the years to power Las Vegas. 

Tom: There's also Mendo the spoiled uber-rich kid, Ten the fire-breathing  
oni baby, Sakura the busty no-nonsense Shinto Priestess, her uncle Cherry,  
monk/annoying pest, and Shinobu, Ataru's ex-girlfriend and desk thrower  
extraordinaire.

Joel: And how much of this characterization do you think will actually  
be used in the fanfic?

Crow: If we're lucky... 20% tops.

 

>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!

Tom: Starring Rick Moranis in yet ANOTHER Disney cheapie.

 

>-An "Urusei Yatsura" Fanfic by Andrew D. Johnson (androo@cox.net)

Crow: Think he gets a lot of penile enhancement spams? 

 

>The characters of "Urusei Yatsura" are the property of Rumiko  
>Takahashi. But I'm not gonna make any money off this story, so  
>what're you gonna do about it?

Joel: Make money from turning in the bounty?

 

>On Christmas Day, Ataru Moroboshi finally pledged his love to Lum  
>the alien girl, and proposed to her. 

Tom: Then the ravages of old age finally took him from our world.

 

>So that night, Lum gave him a "reward". Ataru, as you might expect,  
>had a copy of the "Kama Sutra" in his room, and the two tried just  
>about everything. 

Joel: They tried placing the book in the shelf, on top of Ataru's  
nightstand, and even under the bed.

 

>Boy, Lum was sure excellent in the sack. He sorely regretted how he  
>had tried to reject her advances all this time; since she was truly the  
>best thing ever to happen to him. And now that they were finally  
>destined to be husband and wife, both went all the way, without any  
>protection. 

Tom: Ah, death by lethal injection.

Crow: [Ataru] Thi-i-i-ssss rem-m-minds meeeee of peeing on-on-on the  
JR tra-a-a-cks! Y-E-E-E-O-W-W-W!!!

 

>Of course, such actions always have the inevitable consequence.

Tom: Detective Elliot Stabler soon had Ataru against the wall as  
Lum cried in the background.

 

>A week later, on New Year's morning, Ataru woke up and walked  
>toward the bathroom, only to find the door closed and locked. "Don't  
>come in, Darling," Lum's voice sounded, groggily. "BARRFFF!" 

Joel: [Ataru] One too many Margaritas, dear?

Crow: [Lum] Mysterious magical cocktail, my... BARRFFF!

 

>Ataru's heart nearly exploded. Lum was sick, and it was morning, so  
>could that mean.? Oh no. 

Tom: Two seconds later, the resulting sonic boom from Ataru fleeing  
shattered every window within a ten block radius.

 

>"Uhh," he stammered, "I guess you don't want any breakfast, then," he  
>called to her. "Do you want to see a doctor?" "Not right now, Darling,"  
>Lum answered, flushing the toilet and emerging. "In fact, I'm really  
>hungry right now! You know what I could go for? Some pizza and ice  
>cream!" Ataru turned green, ran for the toilet, and began puking his  
>guts out.

Crow: [Lum] You're pregnant too!? Oh no!

Tom: I'm just curious who would be more interested in the breast  
feeding.

 

>Later that day, Lum went to the drugstore and picked up a home  
>pregnancy test. Sure enough, the water was blue. 

Joel: Well at least we know the cashier's pregnant.

 

>When Lum made the distressing news official, the two burst into tears  
>and buried their faces in each others' shoulders. 

Crow: [Lum, sobbing] I'm going to get fat! 

Tom: [Ataru, sobbing] You're going to get fat!

 

>"Oh God, Darling, what was I thinking?" she sobbed. "Well," Ataru  
>encouraged her, "the baby isn't due for another 9 months. We can get  
>married before then." "Well actually, Darling," Lum responded, "w-we.  
>have about.a month." 

Joel: [Lum] It's too late in the season, we can't stretch it any longer!

Tom: [Ataru] Can't we just do another OVA?

 

>Ataru fainted. "A month! I thought Oni babies were born more  
>developed than humans! I mean, look at Ten, for crying out loud!" 

Tom: Ataru's extremely mouthy when he's unconscious.

 

>At this very moment, Ten, who had previously been out girl-chasing,  
>flew in. "Oni babies, eh? Talking about me?" 

Crow: [Ten] I was just macking on Skeeter. What's up?

 

>"Uh, heh-heh," stammered Ataru embarrassedly, "yeah. Lum was  
>wondering how we should potty-train you." "Don't be stupid," the  
>alien toddler shot back. "You guys have been going at it like rabbits  
>just released from prison for the past week." 

Joel: Mr. MacGregor's carrot patch is a three-to-five term!

 

>An evil grin sprouted across his face. "And I've been watching you the  
>whole time through a crack in the closet door. 

Tom: [Ataru] Lucky thing your mind was already warped, huh?

Crow: [Ten] Mother... is that you, mother?

 

>You're pregnant, aren't you, Lum- chan?" Lum burst into tears and  
>embraced her young cousin. "Yes, Ten-chan. I was so stupid! Now  
>we're going to have to get married sometime in the next month." 

Joel: Whatever happened to doing your own time for your own crime?

Crow: [Ten] Sweeeeet. Shall we honeymoon in Texas or Florida?

 

>Ataru braced himself for an assault of flames. But Ten didn't breathe  
>fire on him. 

Tom: [Ten] Taste the poison of my carbon dioxide! BWAHAHAHA! 

 

>"A-aren't you mad at me for.knocking your cousin up?" he asked. "Hell  
>no!" Ten answered. "Now I'll have another cousin to play and go  
>girl-chasing with! I finally have a guy my own age to hang out with,  
>instead of you and your idiot Earthling friends!" 

Crow: Unless, of course, it happens to be a mini-Lum.

Tom: Wouldn't it be divine retribution for Ataru to have a little girl  
whose purity he'd have to protect?

 

>Suddenly Ataru realized this might not be half bad. "How do you know  
>it won't be a girl, Ten-chan?" asked Lum. "Well, if she is, then she can  
>keep Mako busy!" 

Tom: Mako?

Crow and Joel: Polo!

Tom: Walked right into that one.

 

>Ataru ignored him and turned to Lum. "So Lum, what do you mean the  
>baby will arrive in a month?"  
>"Well, Darling, not the baby itself," she began. "You see, Onis hatch  
>from eggs. After I.um, lay the egg, it'll be about nine months before the  
>baby emerges." 

Joel: [Ataru] Hmm, who came first, the egg or the oni?

Tom: [Lum] I think we BOTH know who came first, darling.

 

>Ataru collapsed and just stared at the ceiling for a bit. Was this really  
>happening? Had he really slept with an alien girl and was his offspring  
>really going to hatch from an egg like a bird? 

Crow: And from such humble beginnings we find... Chicken Boo!

 

>The thought caused him to giggle. Before long, he broke out laughing,  
>and lay there thrashing with mirth. "No, ho ho ho ho!" he guffawed.  
>"It can't be true! It's just too insay-hay-hay-hay-hane! Wa ha ha ha ha  
>haaaaaaa!" 

Joel: [Ataru] My wife's laying eggs and I'M the one ready for the funny  
farm!

Crow: Ataru's excited, he's found the Chicken of Tomorrow.

 

>"Darling!" Lum yelled, grabbing him and shocking him back to his  
>senses. 

Tom: Does Lum have UL and FDA approval?

Crow: Doubtful.

 

>"Like it or not, this is just the way things are now, and we have to take  
>the present and make the best of it." She smiled lovingly at her Earthling  
>beau. 

Tom: I've often wondered how Gloria Swanson would play Lum. 

Joel: [Lum] It's not the age, dahling, it's the mileage.

 

>"I always wanted us to have a baby from the day we met. We-we'll just  
>have to get married a little sooner than we would've expected. I just  
>don't know how we'll break the news to everybody, though."

Crow: [Ataru] How about semaphore flags... from high earth orbit... with  
an armed interplanetary escort?

 

>"Hey, what's all that ruckus?" inquired Ataru's mom, peering into her  
>son's room. It didn't take long for her to find the take-home pregnancy  
>test on the floor, with Lum holding a test tube filled with blue water. 

Crow: [Mrs. Moroboshi] Wait, don't tell me... she blinded you with  
science?

Tom: [Ten] SCIENCE!

 

>"Lum," she croaked in a voice that wasn't hers. "You're preg.." Before  
>she could finish the sentence, the color drained from her face and she  
>collapsed in the hallway. 

Joel: [Lum] OK, that's one down. Who's next?

 

>"Honey," asked Ataru's dad, who had been coming up the stairs when  
>he saw her faint. "Are you all AUGHHHHH!!!" 

Crow: [Mrs. Moroboshi] Do I *look* all AUGHHHHH?!?

 

>He sank to his knees and began crying. "Oh Kami-sama, how could you  
>do this to me? I've still got three mortgages to pay! How could you let  
>my idiot son father a child? WHYYYY???" 

Joel: That's your cue, Cherry.

Crow: [Mr. Moroboshi] How the hell am I going to shoehorn a mid-life  
crisis in NOW?

 

>"Look, Mr. Moroboshi," Lum told him, "it was my fault as well. I-I was  
>as eager as Darling, and now.I'm gonna be a teenage mother!" She  
>broke down crying again. "W-we'll get married in the cheapest way  
>possible. 

Tom: [Lum] I'll dress up like Britney Spears, Darling will wear a  
loincloth, we'll get an annulment twenty-four hours later...

 

>Like maybe we'll go to Beppu." Beppu is a hot-springs resort on the  
>southern Japanese island of Kyushu, known for Las Vegas-style nightlife,  
>a low morality level, and quickie marriage chapels. 

Crow: [Lum] Wow, Author, you're well-informed. Any unauthorized  
images of me floating around your hard drive as well?

 

>Ataru's dad had stopped crying, and just sat there as if he were  
>shell-shocked. "Three mortgages.my son's an illegitimate father.I hate  
>my life."

Crow: [Mr. Moroboshi] Cripes... no wonder I failed Haiku.

Joel: [Ataru] Don't worry Dad, we can always pimp Lum out to Mendo  
when the baby arrives.

 

>"WHAAAT!!!!" shrieked Shinobu. "Y-you knocked Lum up?" Ataru  
>nodded with a look on his face like that of a puppy caught in the act of  
>chewing up an expensive dress. 

Tom: [Ataru] *whinnnnnne*

 

>"You scumbag JERK!!! When are you gonna get it through your thick  
>skull that you can't just go around like a freaking tomcat? How are  
>you gonna pay to support your kid? You don't any kind of job, you."  
>"All right already!" Ataru huffed. 

Tom: [Ataru] The hell are we, "Real World: Tokyo"?

Joel: [Ataru] "Prince of Oniboshi" isn't sufficient enough for a loaf  
of bread?

 

>"I realize I made a mistake! Just don't tell anyone, okay? Lum and I will  
>break the news to Mendo and Ran. Ever since Ran started going out  
>with Rei, she's somewhat laid off her plans to get revenge on Lum."  
>Shinobu glared at him coldly. "Why shouldn't I? The public humiliation  
>would be fitting." 

Crow: This is Ataru Moroboshi you're talking about. It's not like there's  
much left to humiliate.

 

>"See that tree there?" Lum asked Shinobu sternly. She pointed her  
>finger at it and sent a jagged lightning bolt to it. It promptly exploded,  
>sending the students congregating around it scattering. She then turned  
>back to Shinobu, grinning wickedly. 

Tom: Then she rolled her eyes back into her head as the 'Graveyard  
Symphony' played in the background.

Crow: [Lum] REST... IN... PEACE.

 

>"So I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, t'cha." "My lips are sealed,"  
>Shinobu answered, backing away with a face of chalk.

Joel: Shinobu Miyake IS Eraserhead!

 

>Ran acted snotty and bitchy about the news at first, but for once turned  
>pleasant and understanding about the issue. 

Tom: ...once Lum threatened to nail her inside a casket.

 

>It seemed she and Lum had finally gotten their bad blood out of the way, 

Tom: Nope, not till this Sunday... ON PAY-PER-VIEW!

Joel: (chuckling) Okay, Tom.

 

>probably because Rei was dating her now. Mendo, however, had a  
>reaction similar to Shinobu. 

Crow: Before or after she wet 'em?

 

>"Ha! It figures that a loathsome lech like yourself would conceive a  
>child in sin! Just wait until I tell my father the news! He's a personal  
>acquaintance of Ted Turner and Bill Gates themselves! 

Joel: [Ataru] Hey yeah, they have money! Ask if one of them's willing  
to sponsor my alien baby!

 

>I can see the headlines now: 'Japanese Boy Conceives Child with Alien!'  
>Space Girl Expecting Half-Human Child!' The British tabloids will  
>have a field day!" 

Tom: Nah, the British tabloids are still wondering why Charles killed the  
princess to marry the frog.

 

>Lum smiled at him. "I'll give you a reward if you don't." "Ha! Remember  
>how rich I am, Lum-chan! No amount of money you give me will be  
>enough to keep me quiet!" "Then how about a non-monetary reward,  
>t'cha?" she drawled, giving him a full-on French kiss. 

Crow: [Shinobu] Aww man, Lum tonguing me would have bought my  
silence too!

 

>"Gaa!" he gasped. "I-I'm sorry, Lum-chan, but I still must refuse."  
>"Then how about I kiss you?" Ran responded. She had been standing  
>nearby. After saying that she held up a potted flower and kissed it. The  
>flower suddenly wilted, turned dry and brittle, and sank to the bottom  
>of the pot. Mendo moved backward a bit. "D-don't worry about a  
>thing, Lum-chan. Your secret will be safe with just us."

Joel: Looks like that kiss wilted more than just the flower.

 

>After a hectic week, Lum picked out a nice wedding dress, Ataru rented  
>a tux, the invitations were sent out, 

Crow: Lum Frenched thirty-seven more people into silence...

 

>and everyone headed down to Beppu for the long-awaited day. Invited  
>as witnesses were Shinobu, Inaba, Mendo, Asuka, Lum's parents,  
>Ataru's parents, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, Sakura, Tsubame, and Cherry. 

Joel: I see Detective Lenny Briscoe's suspect list will be long  
and varied.

 

>Normally inviting Cherry would have been out of the question, but he  
>would have mysteriously tagged along somehow and popped up at the  
>most inappropriate of times if they hadn't. 

Tom: Like during the honeymoon?

 

>As it was a quickie wedding chapel, the only music in there was from a  
>tinny keyboard with the Wedding March being played by a frumpy old  
>lady. The justice of the peace looked more like a used car salesman  
>than a man of the cloth.

Joel: Man, that Al Swindler guy gets around.

Crow: [Priest] Wow, boy, I trust that model's not a lemon?

 

>"Oh Darling, it may not be quite what I pictured, but I'm just so glad  
>we're finally getting married," Lum cooed, gleefully clutching her man's  
>arm. "Yeah," Ataru added, feeling an unexpected surge of excitement. 

Tom: [Ataru] Holy Matrimony, Batman!

Joel: Hey, is it my imagination or is the flower girl spreading shredded  
horse racing bet tickets?

 

>He was really going to be tied down now, and lose all his flirting  
>privileges, yet he didn't mind. 

Tom: [Ataru] Can't beat good old monogamous S&M!

 

>Even though the bulge of the coming baby was starting to show, Lum  
>still seemed like the prettiest girl in the universe. 

Crow: [Ataru] Fat chicks CAN be beautiful! Who'da thunk it!?

Tom: Until Lum eats Ataru to provide extra protein to the growing  
chrysalis.

 

>He was also relieved that Lum's father hadn't murdered him after the  
>news about his daughter's pregnancy came; in fact he was proud to  
>finally be a grandfather, and besides, they had already been engaged for  
>about two years now. 

Crow: [Lum] Darling, when are you going to break your engagement  
to my dad and marry ME!?

Joel: [Ataru] Hey, I told you, these things take time!

 

>"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together in holy  
>matrimony Ataru Moroboshi and Rumiko Invader!" Lum giggled.  
>"Umm, my name's Lum, not Rumiko." "But Lum is short for Rumiko,  
>isn't it?" 

Joel: [Lum] Actually, it's short for Hernia. Lumbar Hernia.

 

>"Actually," Lum corrected. "Lum is an Urusian name. It's short for  
>Lumyadadshkotyrurowopucosuawoxroewohghaoyryyroeyey." 

Crow: The author finally fainted from the implausibility.

 

>"Just call me Lum, t'cha." "Uhh, okay," answered the justice. "Ahem, do  
>you, Ataru Moroboshi, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded  
>wife?" Ataru felt as if time had stopped. 

Tom: [Temple Fugate] Good afternoon, Ataru. I trust I've arrived at a  
most opportune moment?

 

>He was going to be Lum's husband. That meant no girl-chasing, no  
>flirting, no. Then he looked over and saw her perky blue eyes, ditzy  
>smile, and.curves despite her flowing white wedding gown. "I do!" he  
>announced. 

Crow: Boobies, the deciding factor in many a hasty marriage.

 

>A golden light of joy flashed in Lum's eyes. "And do you, Lum Invader,  
>take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-" "I do, t'cha!" she  
>joyously cheered. She looked as if she would burst with pleasure. 

Tom: Nah, that's just the facehugger... wait for it...

 

>"Then by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you man and  
>wife!" announced the justice. "Here's 50 yen worth of chips at  
>Wishiwashi's Casino, home of the loosest slots this side of Las Vegas!  
>You may kiss the bride." The two embraced each other tightly and  
>kissed passionately. 

Crow: One hour later, broke and desperate, Lum would also be home to  
the loosest slot.

 

>"Ow! Hey, no frenching, honey!" Ataru told his new bride. "Remember  
>you have fangs." "Sorry, Darling," Lum answered. Everyone in the  
>audience cheered, partly out of congratulations for the couple, partly  
>because the women now knew that Ataru wouldn't be chasing them  
>anymore. 

Joel: They took residence in denial and pay their rent dutifully.

 

>But over the tinny version of the Wedding March being played on a  
>keyboard, Ran, seated near the back, heard something. It was almost  
>like an earthquake, but the ground wasn't shaking. Along with was  
>something sounding like.voices. 

All: [gang of four] LUUUUUMMMMM-SAAAAANNNNN!!!

 

>She tried to warn her childhood friend as she came waltzing down the  
>aisle with her new husband, but as always, Lum refused to listen. 

Crow: [Ran] And the narrator called ME snotty and bitchy? Hmph!

 

>They opened the door, and stopped short. Just about every reporter on  
>the planet was there, snapping cameras in their faces, and chattering  
>questions. They all came at such a rapid- fire pace that Ataru couldn't  
>actually discern any of their content, but he thought he could pick up  
>such words and phrases as, "alien", "pregnant", "child", "what was it  
>like?", and "baby". 

Tom: [reporter] Moroboshi! If it's a girl, how long before you  
start chasing her?

Crow: [Ataru] As soon as she craps her pants and runs away  
screaming. Next question?

Joel: [Reporter] Bottle or breast?

Crow: [Ataru] I'd like both, please! Next question!

 

>"All right!" Ataru bellowed to the equally stunned audience. "Who here  
>told the media?" Ataru's father grinned embarassedly at him. "Heh heh,  
>well.I'm sorry, son! We need the money, especially you, now that  
>you're going to be a father!"

Tom: [Mr. Moroboshi]: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, meet the  
parents! Then, once you're done, turn your attention to the Fockers!

Crow: [Ataru] Dad!

 

>Both his son and new daughter-in-law were now rather pissed. "You  
>dirty traitor!" both growled, rushing at him. But before they could  
>reach him. "Pardon me, son. U.S. State Department," stated a man  
>dressed completely in a dark suit, with black glasses, revealing a  
>wallet with his ID card. 

Crow: [Ataru] Gah!? Where'd he come from!?

Joel: [Cherry] That round eyed devil stole my shtick!

 

>"We've received word that extraterrestrials have landed in this vicinity."  
>"Y-y-yes sir," Lum answered. "I'm an alien from Planet Uru. Those  
>there are my parents, and those are my friends, all also from Planet  
>Uru." "Madam, you're going to have to come with us for testing and  
>quarantine of any possible alien diseases. Same with your parents and  
>friends." 

Tom: [Lum] Uh-huh. Did you feed this line of bullshit to E.T.  
too?

Crow: So we've taken a hard right turn into "Andromeda Strain", eh?

 

>"Whaaaat?" gasped Ataru as dark-suited American government agents  
>flooded into the chapel and seized Lum and all her friends and parents.  
>"Hey! She's my wife! You can't do this to herrrrrrr!" "DARLING!!  
>DARLING!! HELLLLLLLLP!!!!" Lum screamed, tears streaming  
>down her face as two burly agents tried to carry her off to a truck. 

Tom: Don't worry, Lum. Stan Smith's just trying to get his son some  
booty.

 

>"Why you son of a." Ataru tried to rush after them, but was seized by  
>two other agents, who held him tight. Lum then turned to the defensive,  
>as one would expect. She started spewing electric sparks and biting with  
>her sharp fangs. Unfortunately this only made things worse for her  
>situation. 

Joel: I'm still trying to figure out how the hell the US got powerful  
enough to carry out raids in sovereign countries.

 

>"She's dangerous, men! Try to restrain her!" More people rushed out of  
>the chaos, wrapped her in a straitjacket, and shot her full of tranquilizer.  
>Before long, the poor Oni girl was subdued, and loaded into the truck  
>with the rest. 

Tom: The author harvests more readers for future fanfics.

 

>"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ataru howled. 

Joel: This is no time to mock James Earl Jones, Ataru!

 

>He then bent down and burst into tears. Shinobu made her way through  
>the melee, punching a few annoying journalists out of the way to  
>comfort him. "Oh God, Ataru, how can they do this to you?" she  
>sighed. "And on your wedding day, no less?" And also just when he was  
>learning to get over his lechery, she thought. 

Joel: [Shinobu] It's just so cruel and... are you rubbing my butt?

Crow: [Ataru] I need comforting.

 

>Meanwhile, angry eyes had turned to Ataru's dad. 

Tom: Give 'em hell, Mr. Potato Head!

 

>"How could you do this without asking me first?" snapped his mom.  
>"Who knows what they could do to her? A real alien autopsy, perhaps?  
>And while she's pregnant, too, with our grandchild!" 

Crow: [Mr. Moroboshi] You're right! I'd better call Jonathan Frakes,  
he'll want in on this too!

 

>"Honey, you just look over there at your son and tell me if it's worth all  
>that money," his mom scolded, pointing to Ataru sobbing in the arms  
>of Shinobu, while Mendo, Sakura, Asuka, and Cherry all tried to field  
>questions from the media sharks. 

Joel: [Mendo] No, I won't be available to testify against Chief Brody.

Tom: [Karl Rove] Please be informed, Cherry has issued a blanket  
statement... "It is fate, no further comment".

 

>Just then, another large suited man in glasses came up to Ataru. "Son,  
>are you the boy who was marrying an alien?" "Yes," Ataru blurted.  
>"until you guys abducted her." "Well then, I'd like you to come with  
>me."

Joel: This is what happens when Cancerman goes on a bender.

Crow: Tommy Lee Jones' gonna flash his brains and then go on a  
six-state hunt for Ataru.

 

>"A-a-are you another American government agent?" "No, I'm an  
>American network executive. 

Tom: [Network Executive] Duh, Mista Funt says youse needs to sign these  
here release papers or else!

 

>You're story sounds excellent for 'The Jeremy Spangler Show', a very  
>popular daytime 'talk' show in America. We'd like you to appear on it." 

Joel: [Ataru] But I have a prior commitment to Howie Tern!

 

>"No! I've already undergone enough humiliation!" he shouted. The man's  
>face turned grim. "No one goes against the will of American television,"  
>he darkly told Ataru. 

Crow: [Network Executive] American TV is ALL-POWERFUL! If we brainwashed  
a nation with "Everybody Loves Raymond", we can take on the likes of you!

 

>He then thrust a rag around Ataru's mouth and nose. The rag smelled  
>strongly of some kind of chemical. 

Tom: The CIA likes to refer to this as "enforced acceptance".

 

>He could hear his friends and parents protesting for a bit, then the world  
>seemed to grow darker and sound faded around him. Just before he  
>lost conciousness, Ataru realized that he'd just been chloroformed. 

Crow: Really? At this point, I thought he'd been Punk'd.

 

>My Kid's an Alien! Part 2-An "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction

Joel: [Ataru] Yob, Yob, where's my baby?!?

 

>Based on Characters by Rumiko Takahashi Directed by Andrew D.  
>"Spielberg of Generation X" Johnson 

Crow: [author] All guns in my story will be replaced by walkie talkies.

 

>Produced by The Voices in My Head  
>Starring Butthead as Ataru Moroboshi 

Joel: And Beavis as Cherry the Monk.

Tom: [Cherry] I am the Great Cornholio! I need fate for my bunghole!

 

>Carmen Electra as Lum 

Crow: No pun intended.

 

>Calvin's Parents from "Calvin and Hobbes" as Ataru's Parents  
>Wendy Testaberger from "South Park" as Shinobu Miyake 

Tom: So we're up to one vulgar colorform, one jagged line, two  
caricatures of suburbia, and one woman... it IS clear who is writing  
this...

 

>Reggie from "Archie" as Shutaro Mendo  
>Winona Ryder as Ran  
>Milhouse Van Houten as Megane 

Joel: Someone must've drained the Japanese actor pool for the winter.

 

>Boomhauer from "King of the Hill" as U.S. President George "Dubya"  
>Bush Osama bin Laden as Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft  
>The General Sherman sequoia tree as one of the Government Agents 

Tom: [G-Man] If I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be?

Crow: Is the role of General Indifference still up for grabs?

 

>The Clone Army from "Attack of the Clones" as the entire CIA and FBI

All: [Clone Army, singing] Another one of me's always hangin' around...

 

>Bender from "Futurama" as the Guy in Charge of Area 51 

Tom: [Bender] Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

 

>Geraldo Rivera as Jeremy Spangler 

Joel: All the people you've hijacked and you're worried about getting  
sued by JERRY SPRINGER??

 

>Barbara Walters as Ten

Crow: Ooooo-kay, this is just getting creepy now.

 

>Music by Some Japanese Women I Found in a Karaoke Bar (hey, I was  
>working on shoestring budget here! I can't afford Megumi Hayashibara  
>or Kikuko Inoue!) 

Joel: So THAT's what happened to Pink Lady!

 

>Special Effects by Industrial Lum and Manga, Pennassagunk, New  
>Jersey  
>Sound by 1138 Sound Systems, Rancho del Lucas, California  
>Stunt-Doubles: Anyone willing  
>Catering Provided by the Happy Sumo Sushi Restaurant of  
>Springfield, ???

Crow: Okay, author, you're only one person. Stop before you get to  
the second unit, PLEASE.

 

>No Onis or any other species of alien were harmed in any way in the  
>making of this story. Some did die, but peacefully and with very little  
>pain.

Tom: Like most of the poor brain cells in the frontal lobe region.

Joel: So are we reading the very first snuff fanfic ever?

 

>"Weirdness! Wildness! These are people with more problems than you  
>could ever imagine! 

Tom: Fanfic authors, the untamed plague! Tonight on 'Dateline NBC'!

 

>All tonight on the Jeremy Spangler Show! Tonight's guest is a teenager  
>from Japan named Ataru Moroboshi! He's got a domestic problem  
>that's out of this world.out of this galaxy in fact! 

Crow: [Jeremy Spangler] Where'd you say your genital crabs came  
from again?

 

>He actually impregnated, and just yesterday married.a real live space  
>alien! So let's meet our guest on today's edition: 'My Wife and Kid are  
>Aliens'!" The boisterous crowd in the audience was cheering as a  
>groggy Ataru was led onstage, still recovering from the chloroform. 

Joel: It didn't help that he ended up in Chicago.

Tom: [audience] Jer-e-my! Jer-e-my! ...Wait, we're being easily  
led! Hey!!

 

>"Ughh." he groaned. "Whuzz happening?" "Just let me do the talking," a  
>Japanese interpreter told him. He helped Ataru to a chair where he sat  
>down in front of a crowd of barely civilized American white trash, some  
>cheering, some booing. He simply couldn't decide what to think. 

Joel: So THAT's what happened to Jeff!

 

>And where was Lum? And his parents? And all the rest of the gang? In  
>short, what the hell was going on here? The last thing he remembered  
>was tussling with the media and government agents in front of the  
>chapel. 

Tom: Thank heaven he ended up on Spangler today, on tomorrow's show  
they're going to try to replicate spontaneous human combustion.

Crow: I'm sure Ten will be glad to help if it doesn't take.

 

>"So Ataru," asked an ordinary-looking American man sitting on a chair  
>to his left, with curly hair and glasses "how does it feel to be the father  
>of an alien being? Do you and your wife get along well?" 

Crow: How come "Jeremy Spangler" hired the 80s version of Weird Al  
Yankovic to interview?

Joel: [Weird Al Yankovic] Ataru... Ataru's kind of a stupid name, do  
you mind if I call you... BOB?

 

>"Wait," Ataru said in Japanese. "Could you tell me what the hell is going  
>on here? Where are all my friends? Where's my wife, for crying out  
>loud?" The Japanese interpreter said in English, "He says, 'What the  
>hell am I doing here? I've got a hangover, so I can't tell where I am! And  
>where's my wife? I wanna smack that bitch-ho around for forgetting to  
>take her pill or get an abortion!'" 

Tom: Between American Television's shock troops and this travesty, when  
did the FCC get whacked?

 

>The crowd thunderously booed. "Hey!" he gasped, not sure of what was  
>going on. English was never his strongest subject. Actually, he wasn't  
>that strong in any of his school subjects, but that's another story. 

Crow: Great, let's switch to THAT one instead!

 

>"What did you just tell them?" he asked the Japanese interpreter. "Why  
>are they booing at me?" "He says, 'Don't talk so loud! I'm still coming  
>down! Oh God, I need a fix bad!'" The crowd howled like a cageful of  
>rabid beasts. 

Joel: Bill Murray is Ataru in "Lost with Mistranslation."

 

>Jeremy spoke up. "Tsk, tsk. This obviously isn't the way to run a family.  
>Now, what say we invite Ataru's wife onstage now. Here's the alien  
>herself, Princess Lum of Planet Uru!"  
>The crowd erupted in cheers as a stage hand led a lady onstage that was  
>obviously not Lum. She was a grotesquely obese American earth lady,  
>with mountainous bun hairdo dyed green, and fake horns. She was also  
>clad in a tiger-striped bikini, but this lady was about ten sizes too large.  
>Her thighs, gut, and breasts were like flowing lava, and her face put  
>him in mind of Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous". 

Tom: Well, I just lost my will to live. Anyone else?

Joel: Renee Zellweger just can't turn down any challenge, can she?

 

>She wasn't just over the hill, she was a pinprick on the horizon. She  
>began fake-crying as soon as the cameras were focused on her. "Ever  
>since we started datin'," she sobbed in a Texas accent that sounded  
>remarkably like Luanne from "King of the Hill", "Ah bin tryin' to give  
>Darlin' here all my lovin'! Ah jes' do all Ah can keep him happy! But  
>lately he's bin getting drunk all the tahm an' tellin' me Ah'm fat an' ugly,  
>an', an'.Now he's bin slappin' me aroun' cuz Ah'm pregnant with his  
>baby! He wonts me t' git an abortion, but Ah cain't git an abortion cuz  
>Ah love Jesus an'." 

Crow: This is almost as fun as hearing Kevin Costner butcher a  
Louisiana accent.

 

>"Hey, wait just a damn minute here!" Ataru exploded. "That's not Lum!  
>What the hell have you done with her? Why am I here?" The annoying  
>Japanese interpreter "translated", "He says, 'You fat alien bitch! I'll tell  
>you why I hate your guts! You're a stupid American trailer-trash ho who  
>forgot to take her pills! You can sleep in the flatbed of my pickup  
>tonight! And if you don't get an abortion, I'm gonna dump you like the  
>fat piece of s(bleep) you are!" 

Joel: Hey Mendo, they might get wise to your "translation" if you keep  
laughing.

 

>The crowd screamed for Ataru's blood. 

Crow and Tom: [crowd] AB NEGATIVE! AB NEGATIVE!

Joel: [Buffy] A whole audience? I'm not up to this.

 

>"Okay, now let's take this issue to the audience," Jeremy offered. A fat  
>black woman wearing a purple shirt with the Venus symbol on it stood  
>up. "This stupid s.o.b. is an example of how women are still being  
>abused in this country! Don't that dopehead little chink know a fine lady  
>when he sees one, even if she be from space? Or is he too stoned out  
>of his head to know that women are mo' then just toys for boys?  
>Power to da grrrls! Femme powah!" 

Crow: Okay, Star Jones, it's not nice to degrade other talk shows.

Joel: Boy, I can't wait till Ataru gets to rebut on "Dr. Pill".

Tom: Maybe then he can get a real translator instead of someone  
who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

 

>Ataru couldn't understand a word, of course, but he could tell by  
>everyone's tones that it couldn't be good. He put his head in his hands,  
>groaned, and wished he could just die right there and then. But then he  
>heard a familiar voice

Crow: [Ataru] Trish Ledoux? Yeah, I'll stick with the translator  
I have, thanks.

 

>"Psst, over here." Ataru glanced over his shoulder to the backstage area.  
>There, hiding under a bundle of cables and rags, was Ten-chan. "Oh my  
>God, I'm actually glad to see you, Ten-chan. But what am I doing here?  
>And what are you doing here?" "I'll explain later. Right now I've got a  
>plan to bust you out." As the show went to a commercial break, Ten  
>fluttered up and whispered in Ataru's ear.

Tom: [Ataru] Torch the whole building with hellfire? Works for me!

 

>Just before the show came back on, Jeremy Spangler, host of America's  
>sleaziest talk show, was quietly laughing to himself. "Heh heh," he  
>thought. "Jerry Springer could only get the KKK. Jenny Jones could  
>only get crack whores. Sally-Jessy Raphael could only get transvestite  
>lovers. Geraldo Rivera could only go to Afghanistan and see the war  
>on terror up close.

Joel: I thought Geraldo Rivera was PLAYING Jeremy Spangler in this  
fic?? Man, this is going to rip the fabric of space and time, I just know  
it...

 

>But I on the other hand, I could get a real live pregnant space alien and  
>her Japanese husband! Eat your heart out, competition!.Okay, and  
>we're back on today's edition of 'The Jeremy Spangler Show'; 'My Wife  
>and Kids are Aliens!' Here are our guests for today; Ataru Moroboshi,  
>a Japanese teenage boy with a penchant for flirting, and his comely  
>wife, Lum the alien girl!" 

Tom: We can only guess how 'comely' "Shinobu" will be when  
they bring her out next for the brawl.

Crow: [Jeremy Spangler] Reality television has NOTHING on this!

 

>Ataru stood up. "Uh, before I begin, I've got some people I'd like you to  
>meet!" He opened the stage door, and two bedraggled-looking waifs,  
>a young boy and girl, ran onstage towards Jeremy and the fake "Lum".  
>"Hi mommy! Hi daddy!" they shouted, joyously pouncing on "Lum"'s  
>lap and hugging Jeremy's legs. 

Crow: [Jeremy Spangler] Damn you kids, you're supposed to say you're  
from Melmac! Honey, what happened to those "ALF" masks we bought them?

 

>"Yahh!" screamed Jeremy, turning ghostly pale. "Uhh, how did you know  
>about this?" "I'll tell you how, you jerk!" bellowed a tough-looking girl  
>who emerged from the audience. "Aiee! Wanda, h-h-how've you been  
>lately?" "So you mean to tell me you abandoned the kids? Why you."  
>She advanced on him. The crowd was now booing and moving in on  
>Jeremy. 

Joel: [crowd] We trusted and believed in you completely! DIE,  
DECEIVER!!!

Tom: Did this just turn into a psychotic episode of "Fairly Oddparents"?

 

>"Heh heh, uhh, folks, why don't we go back to the alien."

Crow: I've seen Dick Dietrich run a more competent talk show.

 

>Meanwhile Ataru and Ten managed to slip out the stage door. "So Ten,  
>how did you know those were his illegitimate kids?" Ten's eyes  
>widened. "I didn't. I just went to the local orphanage and paid them to  
>make an appearance." 

Tom: Gee, that was a horrid little cul-de-sac.

 

>Ataru glanced around him. Wherever he was now, it wasn't Japan. "So,  
>where exactly are we?" "Los Angeles. The American Broadcasting  
>Network-ABN-abducted you to appear on that talk show." 

Crow: This is what happens when 50 Cent buys PAX.

Joel: [Ten] We'd better split before we end up as a guest spot on  
'Everybody Loves Richard'.

 

>It was night now, but sure enough, Ataru could make out the famous  
>California palm trees around the TV studio lot. He had always wanted  
>to see California, just not this way. 

Tom: [Ataru] I wanted to tag along with a whiny ass video game  
prodigy and score 50,000 points on Double Dragon!

 

>"Gee, thanks, Ten-chan. But where is everyone else? And most of all,  
>where's Lum-chan?" "Psst! We're right here, Ataru-kun!" hissed  
>Shinobu's voice. It was coming from a nearby alley between sound  
>stages. Sure enough, hiding there behind some dumpsters were the  
>whole gang-Shinobu, Mendo, Ataru's parents, Sakura, and of course  
>Cherry. 

Crow: [Ataru] We're all on a studio lot? You guys been "Truman  
Show"-ing on me ALL THESE YEARS?!?

Joel: [Ten] We like to think of it more as "Ed-TV."

 

>"We've launched a guerrilla operation to recapture you, and then Lum  
>and all the other aliens." "I spied on my dad a bit," Mendo responded.  
>It seems that Lum, Ran, Oyuki, Benten, and Lum's parents are being  
>held for quarantine and physical tests at Area 51, the top-secret military  
>base in the state of Nevada." 

Crow: [Ataru] Hey, cool. Loan me a fiver to spot on red?

 

>"Then how did you escape, Ten-chan?" Ataru asked. "Well, weddings  
>make me bored, so I was flying around outside. But then I saw the  
>army vehicles coming, so I hid out in a dumpster." "And.seeing how it  
>was my fault," Ataru's dad chimed in, "I decided the least I could do  
>was help find a way to get you guys out of this." 

Tom: Hey, man, it's easy... just present yourselves to INS and get  
deported for lack of visa!

 

>"And, even though Lum is your wife now," Mendo added, "I would  
>still do anything for her. Plus, well.You're an okay guy, Moroboshi."  
>"Gee, thanks, Mendo." "Just please try NOT to screw up this operation  
>by checking out girls!" 

Joel: [Ataru] No problem, the airport accidentally sent my libido to  
Honolulu.

 

>"Okay. So how did you guys get here? Did you take Mendo's private  
>jet?" "No," he answered. 

Crow: [Mendo] I borrowed Wonder Woman's. I parked it over  
there... or was it over there?

 

>"My dad's a member of the very military- industrial complex that is  
>imprisoning those girls! We had to keep this a complete secret, so we  
>flew here by Japan Airlines and rented a car. Besides, we want to stay  
>as inconspicuous as possible, and look like normal tourists." 

Crow: [Mendo] We tried to appeal to the Japanese government about  
the blatant seizure by America of our citizens but they were too busy  
eating sushi, watching explicit violent cartoon porn, and being short.

 

>"We told everyone else that we were spending a couple weeks at  
>Mendo's beach villa again," Shinobu added. "And I figured that these  
>impetuous young Turks would need someone to keep them in line and  
>keep things quiet, so I asked if I could come," Sakura said. 

Joel: [Sakura] Besides, SOMEBODY had to grab the tiny cars and  
candy shooters.

 

>"And of course you know that wherever I go, this sakuranbo here tends  
>to invite himself along." She gestured to Cherry. "Hello," he greeted.  
>"I sure could go for some sashimi about now!" "We just stopped for  
>dinner about an hour ago!" Sakura grumbled. "But I'm still hungry!"  
>"Aren't monks supposed to fast once in a while?" Ataru scoffed. "Just  
>ignore him," Sakura muttered. 

Tom: Don't go away, "The JV-Team" will be back right after  
these messages!

Joel: [Mr. T] I pity the foo' who changes that channel!

 

>"Now, we have to get under way as soon as possible. It'll take us most  
>of the day to drive up to Nevada, and we'll start Operation Uru  
>tomorrow night. Shutaro here has maps of the area, and before we  
>retire to our beds tonight, we can study them."

Crow: [Ataru] Hmph! No matter where I look, I just can't find any  
dragons!

 

>"Hey!" protested Mendo. "I thought I was the commander of this  
>mission!" "No offense," responded Sakura, "but you're too young and  
>impulsive. Please leave control to the refined patience and stalwart  
>ways of a Shinto high priestess."

Joel: What's she gonna do, ward the slot machines?

 

>"But my father works in the defense industry! I know all there is to  
>know about troop deployment, positioning, and the art of war!

Tom: He's more Tammy Sytch than Sun Tzu.

Crow: [Mendo] Damn it, I can beat Civilization on Warlord level!

 

>My father made me memorize the battle plans of Genghis Khan, Attila  
>the Hun, William the Conqueror, Richard III, Napoleon, Otto von  
>Bismark, William T. Sherman, Robert E. Lee, "Stonewall" Jackson,  
>Crazy Horse, Geronimo, Theodore Roosevelt, Gen. Montgomery,  
>Erwin Rommel, Gen. Tojo, Charles Nimitz, 

Tom: [Mendo] ...Pol Pot, Chiang Kai-Shek, Neville Chamberlain,  
and Reg from the Judean People's Front.

 

>Douglas MacArthur, Dwight Eisenhower, and Norman Schwartzkopf,  
>plus every major battle from Hastings to Desert Storm! Clearly I am  
>the military expert, so I must be the commander!"  
>"That is why you cannot be!" Sakura shot back. 

Crow: [Mendo, whiny] But I'm the very model of a modern major  
general!!

 

>"You are still young and not fully refined, 

Joel: We'll have to store you in the cellar with the cheddar.

 

>therefore I fear you may become overconfident and make some fatal  
>mistake!" "And why are you so certain that I will? The man with the  
>most military knowledge and resources must." 

Tom: Truly, this is the McLaughlin Report of fanfics.

Joel: [Mendo] Hubris? That's my hair gel.

 

>"Guys! Shhh!" Shinobu hissed. A police car with dome lights flashing  
>had come to help quell the riot raging in the "Jeremy Spangler" sound  
>stage. "I think this might be a good time to leave," Ataru reasoned. 

Crow: [Leslie Nielsen] There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion  
models found naked and unconscious at Laundromats on the west side.  
I was just on my way to clean some shirts when the call came through...

 

>While the cops rushed into the building in riot gear, the Tomobiki Eight  
>snuck away towards the studio gates, where the guard was busy  
>watching "Mork and Mindy" on TV Land.

Joel: Shouldn't he change the channel to FX showing "Hogan's Heroes"  
right about now?

 

>Mendo had managed to pay for two suites at the Universal City  
>Marriott, enough beds for all of them. 

Tom: Shortly thereafter, he called for a Pizza Hut Pizza, the receptionist  
sent up frozen Aquafina ice cubes, and they proceeded to get smashed  
on Jim Beam brand bourbon.

Crow: [Mendo] There, that oughta give us a few more days of budget.

 

>Before they retired, Sakura announced, "Rest easy, comrades, for  
>tomorrow we make our move to free Ataru's bride! Banzai!" "Rrghh!"  
>growled Mendo. "I was supposed to say that!

Crow: Want some fish with that WHINE, Mendo-san?

 

>Well! Will our heroes manage to free Lum and the rest of the crowd  
>from Planet Uru? Will their operation be a success? 

Tom: Will this turn into another General Hospital short?

 

>Don't fail to see our next thrilling episode, "Guerrillas in the Midst", or  
>"How Ataru Got His Oni Back". 

Joel: [Rocket J. Squirrel] Now here's something we hope you'll really like... 

Crow: An intermission?

Tom: Natch.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"OK, Cambot, that should about do it. Man the wall of keyboards  
while I gather everyone together! HEY JOEL! TOM! GYPSY! I've  
got something cool to show all of you!" Crow bellowed from the bridge.

"Uh, sorry Crow, I'm a little busy with an invention right now!" The  
voice of Joel called back.

"Yeah, I'm way behind on my latest underwear inventory!" Tom's  
voice quickly added.

"I'm delousing the ship, no time to chat." Gypsy's voice crackled over  
the loudspeaker.

"But I worked kinda hard on it and stuff!" Crow whined.

"LATER!" Three annoyed voices shouted back in unison.

"Well! There's ten minutes of my life I'll never get back!" Crow left  
the bridge in a huff. A few moments later, Cambot's head leaned into  
view as he glanced around the empty bridge and seemed to shrug before  
pulling back. Suddenly a cheesy synth version of the MST3K Love  
Theme filled the room as credits began scrolling across the screen.

 

>'Mystery Science Theater 6.7' Host Segment 2-A parody of the credits  
>from 'My Kid's an Alien!' Part 2  
>  
>Absolutely NOT a rehash of the 'Cave Dwellers' Lucid Credit Sketch.  
>Seriously, it's not even close.  
>  
>Based on Characters by Joel Hodgson Our apologizes in advance.  
>  
>Directed by Crow T. "Best There Is, Best There Was, Best There Ever  
>Will Be" Robot.  
>  
>Produced by The Voices in My Head which was surprising since they  
>usually stick to goading me into killing my family. Hi Mom!  
>  
>Starring Quentin Tarantino as Joel Robinson  
>  
>Kelsey Grammar as Tom Servo  
>John Cleese as Crow T. Robot  
>Calista Flockhart as Gypsy  
>  
>Gabe Kaplan as Dr. Forrester  
>Sephiroth from "Final Fantasy VII" as TV's Frank  
>  
>"Meg Griffin from "Family Guy" as Harry Potter.  
>"Chris Benoit from WWE as Solid Snake.  
>  
>The "Rocky" statue as Frank Stallone.  
>  
>The Chanting Monks that hit themselves with boards from "Monty  
>Python and the Holy Grail" as the entire body of Congress.  
>  
>Cambot as it'self.  
>  
>And featuring the amazing Magic Voice of Preston Manning.  
>  
>Far far too many animals were maimed, burned and had the living crap  
>beaten out of them in the making of this parody. Yes, we wanted  
>complete realism and got our kicks out of it, but we're big enough to  
>admit when we get carried away. We're sorry. We're so very sorry.  
>  
>  
>Now that we've recorded new credits, what movie should we go about  
>claiming off the public domain pile?  
>  
>  
>He Jock It Made Of Steel.  
>  
>  
>Turn off your computer and go to sleep!  
>  
>  
>De Gozaru?  
>  
>  
>Fwoosh! There, is THAT what you waiting for?  
>  
>  
>Y'know, this ISN'T the Finding Nemo DVD! You're not going to be  
>entertained by Albert Brooks and Ellen Degeneres if you wait long  
>enough!  
>  
>  
>If you're looking for a stinger, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT  
>HERE!  
>  
>  
>OK, lock up before you leave then. Keep circulating the fics.

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other  
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,  
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and  
skits. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 2

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Urusei Yatsura" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's  
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work  
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  
Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)

 

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's  
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you  
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as  
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile  
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,  
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out  
of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,  
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping  
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his  
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to  
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-Chapter 3 Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction  
>story Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of UY, and holds all rights to  
>the series and characters. But even after I wrote this nice disclaimer,  
>she still turned down this story for a possible manga idea! Can you  
>believe that?

Joel: OK, the author's insane. I can buy that.

Crow: I hear J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. like those submissions...

 

>Barren, sandy wastes stretching as far as the eye could see, only broken  
>now and then by a few isolated, craggy mountain peaks. The only  
>plants were gray sagebrush and strange-looking Joshua trees. As soon  
>as they passed through the bustle of Las Vegas, the land turned starkly  
>empty. 

Tom: Undaunted, the fellowship ventured forth... past the bunny ranches  
of Mustang, through the glowing valley of Yucca Flats to the spewing  
volcano of the Mirage.

 

>They only passed a few houses and cars on the road. After spending all  
>his life in crowded Japan, Ataru Moroboshi was left dumbfounded by  
>the emptiness of Nevada.

Crow: [Ataru] So much space... THIS is where I'll put my future harem!

 

>This would certainly be the right place to put a top- secret military base  
>to examine UFOs and alien beings like Lum and her friends and family.

Tom: Yes, but it would ALSO be the right place for a festive centerpiece.  
Paranoid much?

 

>The gang was crammed into a Dodge minivan, driven now by Sakura as  
>Mendo navigated. They had stopped in the flyspeck California town of  
>Baker at a place called Militia Mike's Paramilitary Outfitters, which  
>promised, "Everything you need to start your own revolution!"

Joel: Is this still 'Urusei Yatsura' or 'Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas'?

 

>There they had bought Army-style camouflage uniforms, grappling  
>hooks, flashlights, soldier boots, tear gas, and guns and ammo galore.  
>They weren't going to dissect Ataru's girl, not then, never.

Crow: I should hope not... considering they're supposed to be RESCUING  
her!

 

>"Okay," Mendo instructed. "Make a turn at the next main road. They  
>call it the 'Extraterrestrial Highway'. 

Joel: Right next to Trumpy Towers?

 

>About 20 more miles and you'll pass through a little town called Rachel.  
>Another 5 miles past that and we'll come to a black mailbox. Then  
>you'll wanna turn left there onto a dirt road, which we'll lead up to the  
>entrance of the restricted area.

Tom: [Mendo] Or the Valley Lodge, I'm not really sure.

 

>"Thanks. You make a good navigator," Sakura complimented. "We're  
>making good time here, people! Let's not let anything hold us back!"

Joel: [Sakura, singing] The rain and thunder! The wind and  
haze! I'm bound for better days...! 

Crow: [Ataru, singing] It's my life... and my dream...! 

Joel: [Sakura, singing] Nothing's going to stop me now! Hit it,  
Uncle! 

Tom: [Cherry, playing harmonica] Wah wah wah, wah wah,  
wah wah, wah wah, wahhhhhh...

 

>"I have to go to the bathroom," Cherry spoke up.  
>  
>"Whaaat? Oh no!" she groaned. "Didn't I tell everyone to go before we  
>left the diner after lunch?"  
>  
>"Yes, but I was too busy eating," he answered. "Please?" he pleaded.  
>  
>"You know what? You've been nothing but a third wheel on this trip so  
>far!" Sakura snapped. "You can just wet your robe for all I care!"  
>  
>Cherry said nothing in response. He just got up and shoved a CD into  
>the player. A familiar song came out: 

Tom: [Creedence Clearwater Revival] There's... a bathroom... on the  
right...

Crow: [Sakura] That's not how the song goes!

 

>"Don't go chasin' waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes like  
>you're used to." When that was done; "Free fall flow, river, flow, on  
>and on it goes, breathe underwater till the end." Then, "Here comes  
>the rain again, falling on my head like a memory.", then, "I'm siiiiiingin'  
>in the rain." By now everyone in the van was sweating and looking fit  
>to burst.

Crow: For pity's sake, I really hope the eject button was broken on that  
player.

Joel: Bladder relief takes a back seat to comic relief.

Tom: And said comic relief also belongs in the toilet.

 

>"All right!" Sakura shouted. "I'll stop at this next place!" She pulled  
>into a small eatery called the Little Ale'Inn. They were now in the  
>almost-forgotten hamlet of Rachel, Nevada, on the fringes of the  
>notorious Area 51. 

Crow: Little Ale'Inn! On the list of America's Fifty Sleaziest Tourist  
Traps!

Joel: [Ataru] After this, can we visit the biggest ball of twine in  
Minnesota?

 

>All high-tailed it for the restrooms, except for Ataru. He had been  
>listening to music on his headphones (reading in the car had made him  
>nauseous all his life) and had actually fallen asleep in the backseat. Since  
>everyone thought it would just be a few minutes, and he just looked so  
>peaceful back there (in the words of his mother), no one bothered to  
>wake him up.

Crow: And of course, those ingrates forgot to crack the windows... the  
pale angry shade of Ataru currently haunts bordellos all through Nevada.

 

>There was only one door in the place marked "RESTROOMS". Sakura  
>tried to open it, but to everyone's horror, it seemed to be locked!

Tom: Hello, folks? You're in Nevada. "America's Pit Toilet".

 

>The soda jerk, a chubby, wrinkled old man in a starched white uniform,  
>standing behind the old-fashioned counter, smiled at her wickedly.  
>"Sorry to tell ya, ma'am, but that there bathroom's for payin' customers  
>only."

Joel: [soda jerk] And no pee pee dancing, not allowed.

 

>Sakura could speak English fluently, and she replied with terror,  
>"You're kidding."  
>  
>"I never kid anyone, ma'am. Look around, there's plenty o' stuff to buy." 

Crow: [soda jerk] The quality's a bit shoddy, but it's either this or  
dragging the scene out longer.

 

>He gestured to a multitude of stuffed alien dolls (which looked like the  
>famous bug-eyed "grays", not like Onis), shirts with silly messages like  
>"I Want to Believe", "I Got Probed by the Reptoids and all I got was  
>this Lousy T-shirt", "Beam Me Up, Scotty", "E.T. Phone Earth-We  
>Miss You!", and "Next time Let the Wookie Win". The latter showed  
>C-3PO from "Star Wars" with his arms torn off. 

Tom: What? No Battlestar Galactica!? How could you forget to mention  
Battlestar Galactica?!?

Joel: [Sakura] I was more in the market for a Tom Servo plushie.

 

>There were also coffee mugs, posters, bumper stickers, anything to  
>satisfy your average UFO enthusiast. "Say! Where're you folks from,  
>anyhoo?"

Tom: [Sakura] Death-To-Hicksville.

Crow: [soda jerk] Oh yeah? See that sign up there? "Smiles - Free"?  
Well, I'm gonna have to charge you now.

 

>"We're from Japan, and by the way, we don't wanna buy any of your  
>crap so we can use your bathroom!"  
>  
>"Now looky here, honey. You don't have to get rude. But we can't have  
>just anyone who has to pee runnin' in an' out of our facilities without  
>buying something. Otherwise we'd never make a profit!"

Joel: Guys... you've got the richest man in Japan with you, just buy  
some jerky and GET ON WITH IT!

 

>Sakura seized him by the collar and pulled him halfway up onto the  
>counter. "I don't think it would be wise to carry on like that. Now,  
>either you give us the keys to the restroom, or I'm gonna do something  
>to you. And I don't know what that something is, because everyone  
>always does what I say."

Tom: [soda jerk] Funny thing about Nevada... it tends to make a  
gambling man out of ya.

 

>The soda jerk gulped and handed her the key. Sakura eagerly threw open  
>the door, but they all screamed at what was inside. There was only one  
>toilet, and it was filthy.

Crow: [soda jerk] Whoops, looks like it's time to paint the seat white  
again!

 

>Meanwhile , while Sakura and company had been arguing inside the  
>Little A'LeInn, both Ataru and Ten yawned as they finally woke up  
>again. 

Joel: [Ten] A-Are we married?

Crow: [Ataru] I don't know!

 

>The sky was opaque blue with high clouds, and a chilly winter wind cut  
>across the desert, convincing Ataru to tuck in his jacket further. 

Tom: Geez, Ataru, you can only cram so much of that thing into your  
BVDs.

 

>"Jeez, what a bleak place this is," Ataru said, gazing at the empty spaces  
>with awe. "Kinda reminds me of Mars," Ten answered. 

Crow: [Ten] It needs women.

 

>"So Lum-chan, all her friends, and my aunt and uncle are being  
>imprisoned somewhere out there. I hope they don't do anything nasty  
>to them!" 

Joel: Like... imprison them?

Tom: [Ataru] Don't worry, Barry Manilow's still in Las Vegas.

 

>"Welp," Ataru reassured him, "we're gonna see to it that that doesn't  
>happen, starting tomorrow morning. Heck, I'm not just in it for the  
>sex, although I do want some more of that as soon as Lum as her baby. 

Crow: [Ataru] Sore, schmore! I want my booty back, booty  
back, booty back...

 

>I.I really do love Lum-chan now. And now that she's about to have my  
>child." He sighed. "I honestly don't know for sure if we're gonna  
>succeed, I mean, breaking into a top-security American military base,  
>getting all those aliens out of there in one piece.it's gonna take a  
>guerrilla army like ours." 

Tom: [Ten] Sure thing, Snake. What can I put you down for, a SOCOM  
or a Nikita?

 

>"B-but, I believe we can succeed, man," Ten answered. "All we can do  
>at this point is have faith in ourselves. Hey, why are we talking like an  
>after-school special all of a sudden?" "I dunno," Ataru responded,  
>"Maybe because we just don't have any important things to say at the  
>moment, I guess." He kicked a pebble. 

Crow: [Ten] Wow, I never knew you were so existential!

Joel: [Ataru, singing] We are... we are alllll innocent...

 

>"Say, that's a pretty big truck coming our way on the highway," he  
>muttered, talking about a metallic humming sound that seemed to be  
>growing louder. 

Crow: [Ataru] Run for your lives! The cacti here are BIONIC!!

Joel: [Ataru] Ten, did you whistle up the Gundam?

 

>"Ahh.Ataru-chan, look behind you," Ten spurted, pointing skyward and  
>behind Ataru. He glanced behind, and his eyes bugged out. 

Joel: The 50 foot woman picked a bad time to attack Nevada.

Tom: [Ataru, megaphone] Y'KNOW, WITH A LITTLE RED  
HAIR DYE, I THINK YOU COULD HELP ME PUT MY GIGANTA  
FETISH BEHIND ME, ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 

>Heading towards them was a large Oni ship! Both started screaming  
>when the tiger-striped metal behemoth hovered just about a hundred  
>feet above the ground, casting two bright lights on them. Both felt  
>strangely frozen in place, and the entire world turned white and  
>invisible around them.

Crow: My god, they shaved the Earth! It's... It's nothing more than a  
cue-ball now!

Tom: Victor Kiam would be proud.

 

>When the light dimmed, three burly Oni guards in full uniform stood  
>before them both, weapons drawn. "So, Earthling," one of them  
>growled. "Evidently your little plot to capture Urusian citizens and  
>hold them for ransom is working somewhat well."  
>  
>"Urusians? Ransom? What are you talking about?" Ataru gasped,  
>pleading his case.

Joel: [Oni] That's it, we just wanted to pay you a compliment. You  
can go now.

Crow: [Ataru] I didn't get to that mission yet, I'm still having too  
much fun running over pedestrians!

 

>"Don't play the fool with us, Earthling.

Tom: OK, I'll play the wandering minstrel.

Crow: [Ataru, nerdy] If by "fool" you mean "super-awesome halfling  
level 45 rogue", guilty as charged!

 

>We should have seen this all along-you propose to and seduce the  
>daughter of one of our most powerful warlord families, then  
>impregnate her with your child so as to claim that you are related to an  
>Oni, if only by marriage. 

Joel: Yeah, the Invaders are right up there with the Baldwins.

Tom: [Ataru] Dude, lay off the Jeremy Spangler.

 

>Then on you wedding day, you and the main governments of Earth  
>kidnap several Urusians, including the aforementioned Invader family,  
>and will only return them on condition of a ransom! Perhaps all our  
>planet's money or natural resources, or ownership of Planet Uru itself!  
>Well, 'tis quite a pity that your little scheme failed!"

Crow: Oni Guard by Dinner Theater Reject.

 

>"No, no, no. I did impregnate and marry Lum, but because I love her!  
>And I'm trying to rescue her and her friends and family from the  
>American government, which is holding them prisoner!"

Joel: [Ataru] Tell them, Foam! Tell them what you told me!

 

>"We'll see what the Uru Parliament has to say about that!" barked  
>another guard. "Take him to his cell, men! And as for you, Ten, for  
>your allegiance with the Earthling enemies, you are to be punished as  
>well!" Ten screamed and tried to escape, but the guards soon captured  
>him, and sent him and Ataru to a cell deep within the ship.

Joel: [Oni, singing] We'll send 'em cheesy movies! The worst... ever  
made!

Tom: [Ataru] Push the button, Ten.

Crow: [Ten] You do it, I'm bitter.

 

>"Well, I guess that's that," Ataru sighed as he watched the ship lift off  
>through the cell window. Below he could see the mountains and  
>desert vanish below him, and the landscape spread out like a gigantic  
>model railroad set. The air started to turn thin blue, with the  
>blackness of space above, and he could also now see the Earth's curve.

Crow: [Ataru] Mmm, nice.

Tom: [Richard Mulligan] The view is magnificent, isn't it? The only  
good thing about alien abduction!

 

>But Ataru didn't feel enthralled, not only since he had already been into  
>space before and seen this view, but also because this time he was on  
>his way to being tried on Lum's planet for a crime he didn't commit. 

Tom: Fortunately the Oni locked them in a cell filled with spare  
parts, shop machines and several boxes of dynamite.

Joel: [Ataru] We've got an hour till Decker gets here, let's get  
to work.

 

>"And now." he sobbed, some tears dripping from his eyes, "I'm never  
>gonna see her again! I'll never see my child being born, or my parents,  
>or my friends.or my planet." "Don't worry," Ten encouraged, patting  
>his newfound friend on the back. "I helped you get out of the talk-show  
>fiasco; I'll help you get out of this one too."

Tom: [Ten] I need a hair-dryer, three safety pins, the elastic from a  
pair of safety goggles and a jug of apple vinegar...

Joel: [Ataru] Oh, so THAT'S what MacGyver would do.

 

>As soon as he said that, the ship lurched suddenly and unnervingly.  
>They felt the pilot try to steer back on course briefly, but something  
>was pulling at the ship. "Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "What's happening?"

Crow: [Ten, sighing] Let's just say Earthlings aren't the only ones that  
can't drive a stick shift.

 

>"Wait a second," Ten thought. "I could see out the window. Now, if I  
>remember my preschool universe geography class, the quickest way  
>to reach Planet Uru from that point of Earth is by taking off at a  
>40-degree angle bearing southeast relative to the Earth's equator.  
>Ohmigod! That trajectory would take us right over.the Atlantic  
>Wormhole!"

Tom: We're just flying by the seat of our pants at this point, huh?

Crow: The backstory was so seamless, it was almost like witnessing  
the bathroom argument.

 

>"Wh-what's that?" Ataru gasped.  
>  
>"Well, you may have heard from Lum that there are numerous holes in  
>the space-time continuum, as well as between dimensions. Oyuki uses  
>those to travel back and forth through the universe."  
>  
>"Uh-huh."

Joel: [Ataru] Yeah yeah, I've seen Sliders. Great show till the  
Professor died. Your point?

 

>"All wormholes are basically hazards in space travel. Some have actually  
>been closed or shrunk over the years, but some, such as the Great  
>Florida Wormhole, remain treacherous and are to be avoided, sort of  
>like riptides at the beach. This wormhole is actually what caused all the  
>Bermuda Triangle disappearances over the years."

Tom: Or so the Caponians at the Phone Company would have you believe.

Crow: [Ataru] I have it on good authority that it was all mermaid-related!

 

>Ataru's eyes widened. "Y-you m-m-mean."  
>  
>"Yep," Ten breathed, with a nonetheless petrified expression on his face.  
>"Brace yourself. We're about to be taken who knows where.or when."

Tom: No shit, Vera Lynn.

 

>With nothing else to do, both held onto each other and screamed all the  
>way down as the ship swirled downward into the small, invisible hole.

Joel: In space, no one cares if you flush.

 

>Fortunately, when the ship made its passage, the two opened their eyes  
>to find they were still alive. Best of all, out the window they could see  
>planet Earth. But was it the same planet Earth they had come to know?  
>What was down there? 

Crow: [Oni Guard as Data] Sensors detect nine billion life forms... all  
humpback whales? 

 

>That question momentarily left their minds as they started to reenter  
>Earth's atmosphere. The window glowed reddish-orange, the entire  
>craft rattled and roared, and Ataru could feel the pressure building to  
>the breaking point in his ears. 

Crow: I'd kill for a Metaluna tube about now.

 

>Although he had never been very religious, he actually started praying  
>that the ship would not break up. 

Tom: Ataru felt better though seeing the whale and bowl of petunias  
out of the window.

 

>Eventually the strange colors faded away, and far below they could make  
>out the blackness of night. In just a few minutes, as the ship neared the  
>Earth's surface, night gave way to day again. Now they seemed to be  
>over some water, like an ocean. Fortunately this was soon passed, and  
>now they seemed to be coming in over land. 

Joel: [Oni] I thought the brown spots were soft and the blue spots were  
hard?!?

 

>But which continent was it? It seemed rather arid, like they were back  
>in the Nevada desert again. But how could they be over America again  
>after flying in the same direction. Then Ataru remembered that since the  
>Earth is a sphere, flying constantly without any directional change would  
>eventually bring them back to the same spot. 

Crow: So THAT'S the theory behind this narration.

 

>Seeing the towns and features below growing larger, Ataru and Ten both  
>braced themselves for impact. Even sturdy Urusian fibers couldn't handle  
>the ship's tremendous impact. On touchdown, it broke into two pieces,  
>which flew in separate directions. 

Tom: [Ataru] THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO PAINT THE TOWN  
REDDDDDDDD...!!!

 

>One landed in a nearby field. The rear section, in which Ataru and Ten  
>were seated, landed in a lake, and was cushioned by cutting a path on  
>its muddy bank. As it had been a prisoner-cargo ship, the cell in which  
>the two had been imprisoned was built to withstand the toughest abuse.  
>Also, any airline pilot will tell you that the safest seats are in back. 

Crow: And THAT'S why you see the pilots run to the rear of the plane  
before they crash.

Joel: Yeah, and the screaming makes them run faster.

 

>The two struggled out, then dove away when they realized the soft mud  
>they had landed in was actually quicksand.  
>  
>"Whoa!" Ataru gasped, still not quite believing in what had just happened.  
>"At least we're back on Earth, but where on Earth?" 

Tom: Obviously the soggy and swampy part of Nevada...

Crow: [Ten] Thank heaven! There's a sign... "Plot - 3 Miles".

 

>The landscape was that of a desert, with craggy mountains in the  
>distance, and rolling, barren hills making up the scenery. The small lake  
>in which the ship had crashed was surrounded by shady tamarisk and  
>cottonwood trees. 

Joel: If my mom were here, she'd be snapping pictures by now.

 

>Not far away stood a barn, a worn-looking farmhouse, and an  
>old-fashioned windmill. The two were still trying to take it all in when  
>they heard a voice.

Crow: [Mary Ingalls] I may be blind but I can still tell when someone's  
staring at my chest. 

 

>"Hey, git off my property! Don't make me break out my gun!" The two  
>screamed and quickly dashed away. Fortunately, they found a dirt path  
>which led out of the farmer's property. This was a relief; at least they  
>seemed to be back in modern times now.

Joel: Actually, I'm fairly sure that farmers have acted like that for decades  
now... and when was time-travel even hinted at?

Tom: [Author] Oh, did I forget to mention the time travel? That  
must mean I didn't bring up the whole "America is dystopia" subplot  
either... whoops!

 

>A main highway lay beyond the gate, but it seemed to be out in the  
>middle of nowhere. Ataru thought of hitching a ride to the next town,  
>but Ten reminded him, "This is America. No one stops for hitchhikers  
>here." 

Crow: Tell that to Page Fletcher.

 

>So Ataru decided to foot it, and Ten decided to fly it. Some cars did  
>pass them, but they all looked rather old, like from the 1940's. Strange.  
>There must have been a classic car convention somewhere around.  
>Eventually they reached the outskirts of a small American town, with  
>low-slung houses and small shops. But something was very strange  
>there. Not just a few, but all of the cars were, large, chromed monsters  
>from the '40s. 

Joel: [Ataru] Wow, my neighborhood could live in that car.

 

>A boutique they passed had male mannequins clad in fedora hats and  
>zoot suits, and the female ones in frilly dresses and poodle skirts. 

Crow: And in the next storefront over, the people were doing the  
jitterbug and complaining about Calvin Coolidge... err, no, Dwight  
Eisenhower?

 

>An electronics store sold mostly ancient-looking radios with elaborately  
>designed speakers and dial tuners. Everyone was gazing at a primitive  
>television set that basically looked like a radio with a tiny screen only  
>about five inches across.

Crow: OKAY, author, we get it. It's the 1940's.

Joel: Or Gotham City.

 

>Also, all the mostly white people were giving Ataru dirty looks, probably  
>because he was Japanese. Ten was by now toddling along the sidewalk  
>instead of flying, so as not to avert attention. 

Tom: Let's see... Green hair. Horn on head. Bumblebee outfit. Best  
of luck!

 

>The radios in the electronics store were blaring out something by Benny  
>Goodman. "Aghh!" Ataru gasped. 

Crow: [Ataru as Mort Goldman] Oh god, the jazz! My ears are  
bleeding again! I can feel the flow!

 

>"Where are we? When are we?" He ducked into a chrome-lined soda  
>fountain, 

Joel: Great, we're in Willy Wonka's factory now.

Tom: [Ataru] Somehow I just can't feel the fizz.

 

>which again looked like something out of "Back to the Future".

Crow: [author] Hint, damn you! HINT!!

 

>"Uhh, hello sir," Ataru babbled in his rusty English to the starched- white  
>soda jerk. "Where am I?"  
>  
>"I'll tell you where you shouldn't be, boy," the jerk answered. "In here.  
>This establishment is whites-only."  
>  
>"Uhh, what did you say?"

Tom: [Ten] No wonder they're called jerks.

Joel: [jerk] And if you want more epithets, you have to buy something  
first!

 

>"I said we don't serve your kind here. Please leave." Ataru only picked  
>up bits and pieces of what he was saying, but he got the message, and  
>left. But first he asked one more question.

Crow: [Ataru] Uhh, Mister... Pedro... why do you care about my skin  
color?

Tom: [Ataru] Are bigots better grilled or baked? Ten, your thoughts?

 

>"Look, could you just tell me what town this is? We are going on a long  
>trip now."  
>  
>The man rolled his eyes. "This is Roswell, New Mexico. Now leave  
>before I call the police."

Joel: [Policeman] Forget it, Clem, I'm NOT coming over there  
anymore. Yesterday, you thought that the cacti were naked...

Tom: [Clem] They STILL ARE!

 

>Roswell! Was that true? It couldn't be. But it all seemed to add up, what  
>with the antique cars and clothes all around him. As he walked out the  
>door, Ataru glanced at a newspaper kept on a rack by the door.  
>  
>The date was July 9, 1947.

Crow: Those sad Roswellians have been reprinting that newspaper for  
the gullible rubes for fifty-five years now.

 

>Ataru's eyes rolled back in his head, and he sank to the ground. So it was  
>true. The Oni spacecraft they had been on had actually been the famous  
>UFO that had crashed at Roswell and set off the modern UFO craze. It  
>was the last thought passing through Ataru's mind as he sank into  
>unconciousness yet again.

Joel: Well that and "Ooh, what pretty headlights!"

 

>"Ataru! Hey Ataru, wake up!" Ten called, patting his cheeks as people  
>stopped to take a look.

Tom: Does anyone have the mental image of a little Oni boy mooning  
a comatose Japanese teenager here?

 

>So! What will become of Ataru? Will he ever see his pals, or his alien  
>wife, again? If so, how will they find him again? The answer is up to  
>you! Send me a review and an idea of how the next chapter in this story  
>should go! I'll base the next chapter of "My Kid's an Alien!" on your  
>idea, maybe even on a combination of two or three! So don't delay,  
>kiddies! Ataru's fate is up to you! 

Crow: One vote for "Ataru will be Sailor Roswell!"

Joel: One vote for "Ataru discovers the true meaning of Christmas!

Tom: One vote for "Ataru becomes the next American Idol!"

 

>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!- Chapter 4, or "The Invasion of the Oni  
>Snatchers" Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction story The characters  
>of "UY" were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Everything else is mine,  
>sort of.

Joel: [Author] Except for the goofballs, that's, uh, my roomate's.

 

>Ataru awoke from his swoon in a bed in a darkened room. "Mom?" he  
>called out, noticing someone. "Mom, is that you?"

Crow: OK, see, this is more about Ataru's sex life than I EVER  
wanted to know!

Joel: (shudders) No wonder he was a guest on Spangler.

 

>"There, there now," answered a feminine voice, coming from a lady  
>moving in front of an open window, which provided the only light in  
>the room. "You've been asleep for about two hours now."

Tom: [Ataru] You wore my ass out, Mrs. McFly.

 

>"Oh man," he groaned.

Joel: [Ataru] If I'm playing some 18th century hick with a nasty  
bowler hat... just throw me to the cows.

 

>"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed an alien girl fell in love with me.  
>She was carrying my child.and we got married. And then I traveled  
>back in time!"

Joel: [lady] Oh, that's just the jello. It's been known to possess  
hallucinogenic properties. 

 

>"Well, you're safe and sound now," she consoled him. ".back here in  
>good old 1947."  
>  
>"1947!" he gasped, sitting up and turning on a bedside light. "Hey,  
>you're not my mom!"

Crow: [Ataru] My mom could never afford those gazongas.

 

>"Well, no," answered the pleasant blonde nurse in front of him. "Lou  
>Statler of Lou's Café said you passed out in front of his place, perhaps  
>due to heat stroke. It does get pretty hot here in New Mexico in the  
>summer."

Tom: [nurse] Yep, mighty sunny today... perfect weather for enjoying  
one of Lou Statler's world famous ice cream sundaes, wouldn't you say? 

Crow: [Ataru] Uh, miss?

Tom: [nurse] That's Lou Statler of Lou's Café on First and State Street!  
Try their scrumptious cherry pie too!

 

>"Y-you can speak Japanese?"  
>  
>"Hai. My dad actually used to work for the Japanese Embassy, so I  
>learned the language in high school. I'm actually a trainee now." She  
>smiled and sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed. "So, what are  
>you doing here?"

Joel: [nurse] Oops, almost forgot to turn on my wire.

Tom: [Ataru] It's a massive coincidence to find a medical professional  
in a one-stop-sign town who speaks Japanese well enough to communicate  
with me entirely... so I shall happily unburden my soul to you!

 

>"Uhh," Ataru realized he had to make up an alibi quick. "My.parents in  
>Japan were killed during the bombing of Tokyo. I've been living in an  
>orphanage since the end of the war, and now I'm here to.see if I can  
>move in with my aunt."

Crow: [Ataru] I mourn my fireflies.

 

>"Oh my! That's so sad," she emphatically responded, rubbing a wet  
>washcloth on his forehead. Clad in her white '40s-vintage hospital  
>uniform, and with the lamplight coming in from the side, she looked  
>like one of those American pinup girls from World War II. 

Joel: [Ataru] This must be one of those blond bombshells I've  
heard so much about!

 

>Ataru's heart sped up a little as he pictured the two together on a  
>tropical beach, where no one could see them, both wearing very little.  
>  
>No. He had to get those thoughts out of his head now.

Tom: [nurse] Well, I see ONE part of you is well on the road to  
recovery!

 

>He was married to the infinitely more gorgeous Lum, who was now  
>pregnant with his child. He wanted a happy, stable family, with as little  
>electric shocks from Lum as possible. But then another question came  
>to mind. 

Crow: [Ataru] Got a defibrillator? I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for home.

 

>He had traveled 55 years back in time through a wormhole by a spaceship  
>which was now destroyed; its occupants dead. Sakura, Mendo, and all  
>the rest had no idea what had happened to him and Jariten. So the  
>question was now, would he ever see Lum again? She wouldn't even be  
>born for about 40 years.

Tom: [Ataru] This had better not be one of those "I'm my own father"  
fanfics, author...

 

>"Uhh, heh heh," he began, his dirty grin on his face. "If you're not doing  
>anything tonight."  
>  
>"I'm sorry," she answered. "I already have a boyfriend. He's a soldier at  
>the nearby army base."

Crow: [nurse] Look out the window, the twelfth bush on the left... he's  
right there, sighting you in.

 

>Ataru's heart momentarily sank. But there were still plenty of fish in the  
>sea! "Uhh, I think I'm better now, ma'am," he told the nurse. "Can I go  
>now?"  
>  
>"Well, your tests don't seem to show any real health problems or signs  
>of heat stroke. So I guess you're free to go. Now about your bill."  
>  
>A lightning flash struck Ataru's brain. 

Joel: [nurse as Dr. Hibbert] ...I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

Crow: [Ataru] L-Lum! *cough* You found me!

 

>His bank account obviously didn't exist yet, plus credit cards did not yet  
>exist in the 1940s.

Crow: Indentured servitude, on the other hand...

 

>"Er, I don't have much money on me now."  
>  
>"Well then, since this didn't take much effort or time, we can bill your  
>aunt later."  
>  
>"Oh, well thanks then. Okay!" Ataru got out of the bed and waved  
>goodbye to the nurse.

Joel: [Nurse] OK, let's see, service of payment to... "Aunt." There!

Tom: I bet that's the most eager he's ever been to leave a bed with a  
woman beside it.

 

>Ten had been hiding in a closet once again, and followed Ataru out of  
>the hospital. "I can't believe you!" he snapped. "Why are you not only  
>making promises you don't intend to keep, and making passes at other  
>girls again?"

Crow: Because Ten's voyeurism and unwillingness to help is certainly  
more noble.

Tom: [Ten] You know, the world back in that wardrobe is a heckuva  
lot more interesting than the drivel you're dealing with.

 

>"Think about it, buddy boy," Ataru explained. "We're basically stuck here  
>in the '40s now. I'm probably never gonna see Lum again, so I might as  
>well look for more girls."

Joel: So it took going back fifty-five years for Ataru to be... Ataru?

Tom: [Temple Fugate] Really, it was only a matter of time.

 

>"Then don't you think you should worry about getting a job and finding  
>a house and improving your English first, or maybe finding a way back  
>to Japan, instead of going right back to girl hunting?"  
>  
>"So, I'll just pick up someone at a bar and move in with her."

Tom: [Norm Peterson] Hey Carla, that weird Japanese kid is back.

Crow: [Ataru] You're spending the night with Ataru Garvin, Male  
Prostitute!

 

>"God," Ten muttered. "This is why you need Lum-chan! She kept you in  
>line at least! And by the way, we're in the 1940s! People had stronger  
>morals and values back then.I mean now!"

Crow: Yeah, like racism... sexism... anti-Semitism... bigotry...

 

>"Oh really?" Ataru asked, pointing to a GI driving by in an early Jeep  
>filled with laughing girls, and to a burlesque hall at the other end of  
>the block. Ten sighed. There just wasn't any stopping this beast.

Joel: Ataru's going to trigger the Sexual Revolution? I always  
wondered if aliens had something to do with the 60s.

 

>Ataru used about half of his cash (he had exchanged his yen for dollars  
>before the time warp) to rent a swanky white zoot suit, a felt fedora hat,  
>and a pair of shiny leather boots. "Heh heh," he said, admiring himself  
>in a mirror, "I don't know what your plans are for tonight, Ten-chan,  
>but as for me, I'm going a-girl hunting!"

Tom: [Ataru] If you need me, I'll be at Jay Gatsby's place.

Crow: Most people, when going bowling, only bother renting the shoes.

 

>Some 55 years later and 700 miles away, the Tomobiki Six was in a panic.  
>"Ataaaaaaaaaaru!!!" called Sakura. "Ten-chaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!! Where  
>could they have gone?"

Joel: [Cherry] Mustang Ranch?

 

>"I-I don't know what to say," Shinobu gasped. "They're both nowhere to  
>be found."  
>  
>"Rghh! That damned Moroboshi!" Mendo muttered, kicking some dirt.  
>"I should've known he would go off girl hunting and ruin this mission!  
>Why did we bother bringing him along?"  
>  
>"Uh, remember he was kidnapped by that talk-show host? And besides,  
>he is married to Lum now!" Shinobu argued. 

Tom: [Mendo] You've been able to follow this plot? You're our new  
navigator!

 

>"Also, what girls is he going to hunt out here?" She gestured to the  
>barren Nevada wastelands stretching around them in all directions. As  
>if to drive her point home, the only sounds to be heard after her  
>comment were those of the wind and a hawk screaming in the distance.

Crow: [Shayera Hol] GET OFF ME, YOU LECH! Dammit, Vixen,  
stop laughing!

 

>"You know what Moroboshi is capable of. He's probably having a  
>mirage and making out with a Joshua tree right now."

Tom: [Mendo] I wonder how long it'd take for him to realize his  
"girlfriend" has more wood than he does.

 

>"Shutaro!" snapped Mrs. Moroboshi, obviously a bit edgy due to her son  
>going missing. "Ataru has changed now. I don't know about you, but I  
>see something different and more wholesome in him. So I don't  
>appreciate your deprecating comments."

Joel: This has to be the longest bathroom break in road trip history.

Crow: Clark Griswold would have packed all the dead bodies and tied  
them up to the car by now.

 

>"Besides," Shinobu added, "why would he bring Ten along if he were  
>going girl-hunting?"

Tom: [Mendo] Because women respond better to pets.

 

>"Hey, I don't plan to do this search all by myself!" Sakura called. "Quit  
>cackling like hens and let's look around. You too, Mr. Moroboshi!" But  
>Ataru's dad was sitting in the dining room, gazing at the TV. CNN was  
>on, playing something that sounded important.

Crow: Yeah, that's how "Crossfire" ends up duping everybody.

Joel: [Larry King] We're here tonight with Kermit the Frog, Kermit... are  
the rumors of divorce true, is the honeymoon over?

Tom: [Kermit The Frog] The pork gave me the clap! It's not easy  
peeing green!

 

>"Hey, Sakura!" he called out to the priestess. "There's a news story on  
>TV that I think you should check out! Especially since you and Mendo  
>are the only ones here who are any good at English, and I'd like to  
>know what the hell's going on there!"

Joel: It's only CNN's 532nd update on the love life of Brad Pitt, nothing  
serious...

 

>Onscreen, the President of the United States finished his speech. 

Tom: Rarely is the question asked, is our politicians learning?

 

>Then the camera shifted to a large Oni! A caption below read: U.S.  
>GOVERNMENT DENIES ANY ROLE IN KIDNAPPING OF SPACE  
>ALIENS. When the large alien began speaking, another caption read,  
>"Zordak G'duunxi- Prime Minister of Planet Uru". The Oni leader  
>cleared his throat and began speaking: 

Joel: [Zordak] Meesa demand you release 'em them prisoners!

 

>"People of Earth: What the President of the United States of America  
>tells you I have no comprehension of. 

Crow: You and everyone else on the planet, pal.

 

>You probably know by now that six extraterrestrials, four from my planet  
>Uru, one from Neptune in your solar system, and another from the  
>goddess world of Fukinokami, have been captured by the American  
>government. They all had Urusian visas, by the way. 

Tom: [Zordak] Senor Ugarte was very courteous to us and answered  
all our questions...

 

>Just earlier today an Urusian reconnaissance ship disappeared from radar  
>screens over your planet. We Urusians have never been people to jump  
>to conclusions, but the situation makes us quite impatient. Once again  
>let me tell you; if America does not hand over these six aliens who were  
>on Earth for purely peaceful purposes, then Planet Uru will be forced  
>declare war on your country."

Joel: [Zordak] And by war, we mean a two-second discharge of our  
Death Star.

 

>A man captioned as one of the top brass in the Department of Defense  
>stood up and angrily responded, 

Tom: [man] Wah wah waaah wa wa wahhhhh!

Joel: Somebody clean out his spit valve!

 

>"Once again, Mr. Prime Minister, we have done nothing of the sort! Our  
>records show that we have not captured any alien beings in the past  
>week as you assert. 

Crow: [man] We did bag us a Big Giant Head about a month ago though...

 

>Furthermore, our records also show that we were not even in Japanese  
>territory in the past week! I have no idea where your allegations come  
>from, but I believe you are mistaken."

Tom: [Zordak] My allegations come from my mouth, yours come from  
a place we've become well-acquainted with over the years.

 

>"One again, I am baffled by your explanations," rebutted the Oni leader.  
>"What we know, and what several members of the press and onlookers  
>from Japan have testified, is that several extraterrestrial beings were  
>kidnapped and detained by the U.S. Department of State, who even  
>showed their identification. 

Joel: [Zordak] Make no mistake, we will soon find this 'Dick Tracy'  
and his 'Junior Detective Squad'...

Crow: You know, if I had high-level debates, I'd use them to figure out  
exactly what alternatives there were to Ataru's zoot suit.

 

>Rumors have circulated throughout the American government that they  
>are being detained at your country's military base called Area 51, in the  
>state of Nevada."

Joel: [Zordak] Don't bother denying it! Your 'Weekly World News'  
has already broken the story!

 

>"But we are telling the truth! I know for a fact that no extraterrestrials  
>are currently detained at Nellis Air Force Base, and I am willing to  
>look Americans, and people the Earth and universe over in the eyes,  
>and say that your allegations are not true." He glared directly in the  
>camera as he said this.

Crow: [Lloyd Bridges] Took a depth charge off the coast of Malaysia  
and they made me two working eyes out of latex. They need constant  
Armor-All treatment...

 

>The manager of the diner turned off the TV on this news. "There go  
>that damned liberal media again," he muttered, "always trying to  
>blame America for everything."

Crow: [manager] These Peter Jennings memorial plushies are going  
right back in the cellar!

 

>"What the-" gasped Sakura, upon hearing this message. She told the gist  
>of it to the rest of the crowd. "Is what the American government saying  
>true? Could Lum and the rest have been captured by someone else and  
>the U.S. have been framed? Could someone have just thrown us a red  
>herring?"

Tom: How 'bout a great white? Let Jaws sort 'em out.

Joel: This thing is just crying out for Detective Adam West.

 

>They had no idea that as she said this, they were being watched.by a  
>curious jackrabbit which bounded away when it saw a hawk swooping  
>down.

Crow: [manager] Little symbolism with your coffee, ma'am?

 

>"But that still doesn't answer the question of what happened to my son,"  
>wondered aloud Ataru's mom. "Let's just keep looking for him and Ten."  
>As she said this, a huge, Hummer drew up alongside the road. The doors  
>opened, and out stepped some strange men, all clad in black and wearing  
>dark sunglasses. Before they could do anything, all four that were  
>present stepped up to them.

Tom: Boy, those Blues Brothers just keep finding all sorts of relatives  
everywhere...

 

>"U.S. State Department," explained one with dark hair who seemed to  
>be their leader. "I'm afraid you people are trespassing on government  
>property. 

Joel: [manager] Oh, I've finally been bought out! Thank god!

 

>You'll have to come with me now." Before they could do anything, they  
>had seized the group and were dragging them to their car. 

Crow: [man in sunglasses] Relax, we're just going to visit my aunt and  
uncle in Bel Air!

 

>All tried to escape, but the agents seemed to have an almost superhuman  
>grip with hands and fingers of iron. 

Joel: And gloves of velvet.

Crow and Tom: [agents, deadpan] No, there's no such thing as Skynet. Why  
would you think such a thing?

 

>They then crammed all six into the Hummer's vast backseat, jumped in  
>front, and took off like a bullet. The car must have hit about 80 mph  
>in just two seconds.

Crow: Completely squishing Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, and Bugs  
Bunny. Sadly, only one of the above could reinflate.

 

>"Hey, wait!" Mendo shouted. "What the hell's going on here? Where are  
>you taking us?"  
>  
>"Don't worry, Earthling," answered one in a strange tone. "You'll soon  
>find out." To everyone's horror, he reached to the bottom of his neck,  
>and started peeling off his face! Of course it wasn't really his face, but an  
>elaborate mask. Beneath that was.an alien face! But he wasn't an Oni.

Tom: [Mendo] You! You're not a G-Man, you're one of the KUNG-FU  
CREATURES ON THE RAMPAGE! TWO!

 

>Instead he looked more like the aliens most people claim to see when  
>they get abducted. He(she?) had a head shaped like a light bulb, with  
>bulging, teardrop shaped eyes. They were somewhat like those of an  
>insect, and totally black, with no pupils inside. They didn't even seem to  
>reflect any light. Its nostrils and mouth were basically slits in the skin,  
>which was lead gray. 

Joel: [Sakura] Friend of yours, Uncle?

Tom: Another Madden refugee finally comes out after two solid  
months of seclusion.

 

>It also didn't seem to have any ears. The creature seemed to be part of  
>the famous alien race colloquially known as the "grays". All screamed  
>on seeing it.  
>  
>"You!" Sakura screeched. 

Crow: [Sakura] Dammit, I got a restraining order with that divorce!  
500 feet, you bastard!

 

>"You captured Lum and her parents and friends and framed the  
>American government!"

Joel: [Alien] Huh? Lady, we just wanted Japanese takeout.

 

>"Yes, we might as well be straight with you," answered the gray  
>commander in a cold, emotionless voice similar to Oyuki's. "It figures  
>you would find out sooner or later." The driver of the Hummer then  
>pressed a small red button on the steering wheel. As soon as he did  
>this, something radical occurred. 

Tom: The Plot Engager was in the Hummer the whole time? How  
come we couldn't have pressed it earlier and got a plot?

 

>Like in "Men in Black", the wheels flipped under the vehicle, and the  
>various panels on its sides and top flipped around like a Transformers  
>toy. It was turning into a spaceship! The speed accelerated even further  
>as they zoomed upward at a 45-degree angle. 

Joel: [Alien] Centauri's job is a breeze since he started recruiting you  
Asian kids!

 

>The driver of an approaching RV, an elderly man traveling around the  
>country with his wife, saw the Grays' ship launch into the sky. He just  
>shrugged his shoulders and thought, "It happens."

Crow: [elderly man] Ethel! Go pour the liquid Schwartz in our  
dashboard-mounted emergency tank, I'm gonna follow 'em!

 

>As soon as the transformation had been completed, belts of a strong alien  
>fiber looped around the gang's bodies and held them firmly in place. "So  
>where are you taking us?" asked Mendo.

Tom: [Alien] We're taking YOU to OUR leader! Ha ha! Chew on that  
a while, human scum! 

 

>"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," answered the Gray commander. "But  
>first we have to pick up your friend Ataru Moroboshi." They were  
>passing the boundary of space now, and aiming southeast, towards the  
>same wormhole which had drawn Ataru and Ten back in time.

Crow: ...just in time to interrupt Ataru's fifth body shot off Betty Boop.

 

>"What are you doing?" shrieked Mendo. "Th-th-that looks like a black  
>hole!" Mendo had never been in outer space before, and there was a  
>lot for him to be scared of; the infinite blackness, plus the fact that he  
>was also afraid of heights, and he had a window seat.

Tom: Wait till he gets the in-flight meal.

 

>"Correction," answered the Gray commander. "It's a wormhole. They're  
>smaller and not as dangerous as black holes, and yes, we are going in."

Joel: [Gray commander] Hope we don't run into any Celestial Prophets... they're  
really hard to clean off the windshield.

 

>The group all started screaming as the suction of gravity pulled them  
>toward the space vortex, lined with bluish-white material being drawn  
>in. All were screaming except for Cherry.  
>  
>"Don't you ever get scared?" Sakura asked him.  
>  
>"When you believe in fate, there is no reason to fear," Cherry mused,  
>munching a chocolate bar.

Crow: [Cherry] Plus I always peek at the script.

 

>"And now," continued the alien commander, "for your treatment, heh  
>heh. Look into my eyes."  
>  
>"And what if we don't want to?" asked Mendo sarcastically.  
>  
>"Oh, you want to. You want to," continued the Gray commander,  
>staring at them all. 

Tom: So this is how Jim Bakker started his ministry.

 

>Sure enough, once his gaze had even caught them out of the corner of  
>their eyes, it was firmly anchored in his command and there was little  
>they could do. Those dark pits.so dark and bottomless.drawing in all  
>forms of light with no chance of escape. "Now you are in my power.  
>You are powerless to resist."

Joel: [Gray Alien] You will assassinate Chris Carter.

 

>"We are powerless to resist," the humans answered in flat, zombielike  
>tones.

Crow: Six more consumers are ready to enter America's marketplace!

 

>"So babe, would you like to dance?" Ataru asked a comely waitress at  
>a bar in Roswell, 1947. "I've got a good feeling about us." The lady  
>promptly smacked him.

Joel: [Ataru] No no, that was just the tip, I don't pay for it, really!

Crow: [lady] You wanna cop a feel, it's a two drink minimum fella!

 

>"Have you noticed that's like the tenth time you've struck out?" Ten  
>asked him, popping up from under the bar. "Just give it a rest already!"

Tom: [Ten] Whose lily white butt do I have to barbecue around here to  
get some umeboshi!?

Joel: I pray that if I ever get stranded in time I'll be calm enough to go bar  
hopping with flying aliens too.

 

>"No, I just know someone right is gonna come along," Ataru answered.  
>"I'm staying here till closing time!"  
>  
>"Yeah, 'cause you don't have anywhere else to go," muttered the alien  
>toddler. 

Crow: [Ataru] Maybe I'll try the naugahyde door again... crap, if I  
only knew the password...

 

>"Okay, you can just keep on trying to pick up girls. I'm gonna look for  
>a hotel." But as he made his way through the crowded lobby, the  
>ominous sound of an air-raid siren filled the town.

Joel: [Ataru] Last call already?

Tom: That's surprising, I thought that Roswell was in the "acceptable  
loss" category.

 

>In those tense days following the advent of the atom bomb and the birth  
>of the Cold War, that siren in that crowded bar was like detonating  
>dynamite in a beehive. People shrieked like banshees and meshed into a  
>confused tangle trying to squeeze out through the door. 

Crow: [Ataru] Opportunity knocks! Hey babes, you don't want to die  
virgins, do you?

 

>Meanwhile, the radio announced, "We interrupt 'Amos 'n Andy' to bring  
>you this special report! A farmer from about 3 miles south of Roswell,  
>who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that an alien spacecraft has  
>crashed on his property! 

Crow: [Ataru, laughing] Yeah, right. Folks, don't believe this dopey  
radio... it just gave the score of the Brooklyn Dodgers game!

 

>It is currently unknown whether the spaceship had merely crashed on  
>Earth by mistake, or if it is in fact part of an impending extraterrestrial  
>invasion! This is not another 'War of the Worlds'-style fictional radio  
>drama! The staff of station KUKU assures listeners that we are telling  
>the truth this time! 

Joel: [Announcer] This time KUKU ain't cuckoo!

Tom: Meanwhile, a young Bert I. Gordon gets a film idea.

 

>Please either arm yourselves or calmly make your ways to the nearest  
>air-raid shelter! We'd also like to remind people that, if you wish to  
>start a happy family, in today's fast-paced times, you need a car! 

Crow: [Announcer] Conceive your child in the backseat of our model  
Chevrolet!

 

>And you can find the best deals in all of Southeast New Mexico at  
>Honest John Slickley's Packard, located just two miles north of the  
>town center on U.S. 285. Or call Klondike 5-1756! Honest John  
>Slickley's-if Packard doesn't make it, it ain't at Honest John's!"

Tom: May I point out the amount of FCC fines these dolts would get  
for putting advertising in a civil emergency announcement?

Joel: The best argument against a car... getting a radio that tunes to  
KUKU.

 

>The town was in an uproarious panic. Soldiers were trying in vain to  
>console the people, who were insanely trying to make their way to  
>anyplace safe. 

Joel: [Soldier] There there, your father's in a better place now. And  
in his next life he'll think more about giving me a line of fire.

 

>Ataru could barely tell which way he was going. He vainly tried to plow  
>his way through the crowd, looking for any form of relief. Finally he  
>found it in a small alley between two buildings. 

Crow: Having thusly plowed, he found himself wondering if corn or  
alfalfa seeds would be best.

 

>Watching the insane mob out there, he wondered, not for the last time,  
>if he would ever see anyone he knew again. Now even Ten-chan was  
>gone, and he still had no way of getting back to his own time. Ataru  
>then depressingly sank down and stared at the opposite wall a bit. Ten  
>had been right; he should have at least found some place to spend the  
>night, maybe even get a job, before going out to nab a woman. 

Joel: Booze mixed with teenagers causes depression? Who would've  
thought?

Tom: [Ataru] If I can just find an opening for a Jungle Goddess...

 

>Ataru was used by now to being wrong about something, but not too  
>many times before had his consequences been this dire.  
>  
>"Hello, Ataru. We've been looking for you," beckoned a familiar voice.  
>Ataru glanced up and saw it was Sakura!  
>  
>"Sakura!" he happily cheered, running up to her. "But how did you get  
>here?" Without knowing what he was doing, he wrapped his arms  
>around her slender torso. 

Crow: [Ataru] Jussst call me Bender, baby.

 

>He then braced himself for the imminent beating, but surprisingly nothing  
>happened. "Sakura?" he asked, waving his hand right in front of her eyes.  
>"Can't you respond to me?" 

Joel: *SLAP!*

Crow: [Ataru] Let me rephrase that...

 

>Suspicious that something fishy was going on here, Ataru puckered up  
>and gave her a full-on French kiss. Once again she just stood there  
>with an eerily placid face.

Tom: [Mendo] Hallucinating and making out with a Joshua tree... can  
I call 'em or what?

 

>"Come on, Ataru. We have to go find Lum," she told him without any  
>of her usual grouchiness.  
>  
>"Yes, Ataru," responded Mendo's voice. Sure enough, coming from  
>behind a corner was Shutaro himself, but also with an odd vacant look  
>in his eyes. Both sounded like they were on Prozac or something.

Joel: [Mendo] I've discovered the joy of saliva.

Crow: [Ataru] Surely this will cure Sakura's love of cinemas!

 

>"Yes, duty calls," continued Shinobu, who appeared behind him, also  
>staring straight at Ataru with those spooky blank eyes.  
>  
>"Your parents need you," echoed Ataru's parents, following the others.  
>  
>"Fate commands that you come with us," drawled Cherry, bringing up  
>the rear.

Tom: [Sakura] BRAAAAAINNNNNNS... oops, that just slipped  
out... come with us!

 

>"Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "This isn't right! You're zombies or something!  
>Get away from me!" But he soon saw that he was caught between a rock  
>and a hard place. At one end of the alley were the alien-crazed  
>cattle-people, forming an impenetrable wall of humanity. At the other  
>were his friends and parents, albeit with unsettling, emotionless faces.  
>Frozen in place with fear, Ataru let their hands close in on him. 

Joel: Suddenly Jill Valentine burst through a nearby door and screamed  
for Ataru to get down.

Crow: [Ataru] Nice pair of boots you got there.

 

>Shinobu and Sakura were always very physically strong, but now their  
>grips felt superhuman, like iron. Something definitely was screwy here.  
>"Hellllllllp!" Ataru called out to the people. "The aliens have got me!!!!  
>The aliens have got me!!! Tell the people!!!"

Joel: [people, deadpan] The aliens have Ataru. Pass it on.

Tom: To think that this alley will be marked by a Starbucks in only  
fifty years... as well as the crash site, the radio station, the bar...

 

>"Now keep quiet, son," Cherry said, holding a disturbing-looking metal  
>rod up to Ataru' head. "We don't want anyone to find out about this,  
>now." Ataru tried to scream but Sakura's iron hand completely muffled  
>any sound that would have come from him. 

Joel: They're gonna tap him like a keg!

Crow: [Cherry] *thunk* Damn straw won't go in! *thunk* Kid's worse  
than a freaking 'Capri Sun'! *thunk*

 

>He braced himself for the inevitable pain that would come when Cherry  
>knocked him out with the rod, but instead the deranged old monk just  
>held it up to the side of Ataru's head. A humming noise eminated from  
>it, and once again the unlucky teenage boy felt his mind begin to dull.

Tom: Thankfully the tickle ray was almost out of juice.

 

>Without any more resistance, he let himself succumb to its powers, and  
>drifted into sleep. 

Crow: [Ataru] Ahh, the life of a Viking beckons.

Joel: As does the leftover tuna. Anybody want a sandwich?

Tom: I do! Me me me!

Joel: Crow?

Crow: I'll take a Big Boy Burger with a Birch Beer, Bob!

Joel: Uh, would you settle for peanut butter on rye?

Crow: Whatever.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

DEEP 13

"HE DID IT AGAIN, THAT SON OF A BITCH!" 

Dr. Forrester paused in the hallway, startled. He had never heard  
Frank's voice filled with such loathing and hatred before, not even during  
the Unhappy Meal incident. 

"I guess I was a little harsh on him... still, the employee handbook  
frowns on badmouthing a superior... at least I think it does. I should  
really read that thing one of these days..." Dr. Forrester mused as he  
walked into the lab and stood before his assistant, removing his glasses  
and rubbing his eyes before speaking. 

"Frank... just because I've crushed your spirit again by trapping you  
in a cramped prison cruelly resembling a heartfelt reward for all you've  
endured that electroshocks you if you touch anything..." Dr. Forrester  
took a deep breath before continuing. "...doesn't give you carte blanche  
to insult me... even if the insult is true in many... many ways." Dr.  
Forrester admitted with a sigh. 

"No, don't go back with him... he'll just do it again... please...  
d-don't..." Frank whispered sadly, his lower lip trembling.

"Huh? What on earth are you blathering about?" Dr. Forrester  
snapped as he replaced his glasses and was surprised to see Frank  
hunched over like a vulture, completely focused on something Dr.  
Forrester couldn't see and oblivious to all else.

"D-Damn you, Moose! You big jerk!" Frank hissed, his teeth  
clenched as he continued to read the Archie Comic Digest he had found  
tucked underneath the seat of his new car. Several tries and several  
thousand volts later, he had finally gotten the darn thing and took  
comfort in the fact that he wouldn't have a use for hairy knuckles in the  
future. 

But the joy had been short-lived as Frank found himself growing more  
and more furious with every panel he scanned over. "Why doesn't Mr.  
Weatherbee throw his ass in jail!? Reggie's half dead for God's sake!  
And Midge was TOTALLY leading him on, though who could blame  
her, really!?"

"FRANK!!!" A loud angry voice temporarily snapped him out of his  
own world but not out of his foul mood. Dr. Forrester was taken aback  
as Frank thrust his head through the passenger window, glass shattering  
everywhere. 

"It's BOGUS, man! Totally BOGUS! Moose treats Midge like  
property so she dates Reggie then Reggie get creamed, thus proving  
Midge's point but she ALWAYS forgives him until the next time! Don't  
they realize it's an unending cycle!?" Frank ranted, an unhealthy look in  
his eyes.

"Uh, Frank...?" Dr. Forrester pointed at the glass on the floor but  
Frank was oblivious as he shoved the Archie comic in Dr. Forrester's  
face.

"Just look at this!" Frank jabbed his thumb at a panel in the comic.  
"Moose glued an ostrich egg to his head so people would call him an  
EGGHEAD! Dyslexic, my ass! He's always been an IDIOT!"

"Ooooo-kay... I think I may have underestimated the dangers of  
your confinement... maybe I'd better..." Dr. Forrester began slowly.

"No! Don't you see!?" Frank pushed his way out of the car's window  
like a snake and slowly slithered towards an increasingly creeped out Dr.  
Forrester. "You did me a favor! I never would have discovered this  
grave injustice had I not run out of bottles of beer to sing about! And the  
Moose/Midge/Reggie triangle is just the tip of the iceberg!"

"F-Frank..." Dr. Forrester was terrified now as Frank pulled him  
nose-to-nose, his left eye twitching violently. Dr. Forrester could have  
sworn he heard the sound of bell chimes gently moving in the wind as  
Frank whispered to him.

"I've uncovered a conspiracy, Steve... one that is far larger than anyone  
could guess. Archie Comics have been screwing with our minds for  
decades... but there's so much ground to cover... one man can't do it  
alone, that's why we have to focus on a single task... that's why... Moose  
Mason must die."

"Uh, do you two want to be alone or something?" A voice called out  
from behind the shaking scientist. 

"H-HELP!!! FRANK'S GONE NUTS!!!" Dr. Forrester screamed as  
he finally found his voice and made a break for it down the hall and into  
his room, slamming the door behind him. Meanwhile, Frank turned to  
face the viewscreen where Joel and the bots watched him with trepidation.

"It's probably telling that someone needs to be electroshocked to care  
THAT MUCH about Archie Comics." Tom wryly observed. 

"Frank? You OK, buddy?" Joel asked, concerned.

"Joel... Joel, my little space friend... you'll help me kill Moose, won't  
you? Won't you?" Frank smiled.

"Um... okay, but you have to take responsibility for it." Joel  
cautioned as he walked over to the umbiliport and dropped something  
inside before yanking the cord beside it.

Frank eagerly ran over to the lab's umbiliport and retrieved the item  
before rushing back over to the viewscreen. Placing the comic flat on  
the console, he then opened the container of liquid paper Joel had sent  
him.

"Die, my little bully... feel the wrath of Frank." he whispered as he  
lovingly and repeatedly stroked the comic with the liquid paper brush.

"Remember, you tell anybody where you got that..." Joel warned.

"I don't rat on my friends, Joel... ahh, he's almost gone." Frank replied  
with a contented sigh. Meanwhile Tom and Crow, who had remained  
silent during the whole ordeal, looked up at Joel.

"Joel, are you sure that was a good idea? What if he tries to whack  
Mr. Weatherbee next?" Tom inquired.

"Nah, I've got Mr. Weatherbee covered. Frank was only partly right  
though, the conspiracy is vast all right but only linked to certain  
individuals in the Archie Uni... hey, where are you going?" Crow asked  
as Joel and Tom slowly backed away from the confused robot. 

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 3...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other  
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,  
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and  
skits. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 3

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Urusei Yatsura" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's  
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work  
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  
Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's  
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you  
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as  
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile  
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a  
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,  
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out  
of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,  
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping  
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his  
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to  
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-

Tom: AND MY STEPMOTHER'S A HOTTIE!

 

>The Final Chapter

Joel: That reminds me, did Jason take Manhattan yet?

Crow: God willing, we won't all meet again in 'My Kid's An Alien 2:  
The Search for More Money'.

 

>Based on the popular characters by Rumiko Takahashi and the popular  
>novel by Ray Bradbury. Okay, so it's not based on anything by Bradbury.  
>It just makes me seem sophisticated.

Tom: Which the narration quickly dispels.

 

>Ataru was about to ask if that was his mom when he came to again, but  
>suddenly remembered that what had happened was as real as could  
>possibly be. 

Crow: [Ataru] But enough about the Matrix, what's this I hear about  
a woman in a red dress? 

 

>He opened his eyes to find himself standing in place. In front of him  
>some humanlike forms were milling around. When his eyes focused  
>more, he noticed they were actually aliens! But not Onis, rather those  
>aliens everyone called the "Grays", the ones that people claimed  
>always abducted them. 

Tom: This would be the same people that... populate shows like  
Jeremy Spangler. The fanfic finally comes full-circle!

Joel: Of course, those isolated reports of people being captured by  
Soggies deserved all the shame and scorn they could get.

 

>Lum had once told him that the Grays came from Orion's Belt and were  
>some of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. They were very  
>weak physically, but possessed the power to control minds and literally  
>use other beings as puppets to carry out their schemes. 

Tom: Oh please, like anybody would let themselves be used like a puppet!  
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever... aw crap, there goes my head  
again, could you grab that for me, Trace?

 

>Apparently they had tried several times to conquer Earth, but fortunately  
>for Earthlings, all of Earth's leaders knew about them and managed to  
>keep them at bay with their military superiority. But now they seemed  
>to have captured him and placed his friends and parents under their  
>control.

Crow: Truly the V-Chip has so many applications.

 

>Ataru glanced around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in what  
>looked like an airplane hangar, with vintage jeeps and aircraft off to  
>the sides. But closer to them was the Grays' ship, a flying saucer!

Joel: Named after the bombed pilot.

Tom: They tried a flying teacup but the fuel kept spilling.

 

>And over there, next to those other Grays, was.

Crow: [Lum] I AM LUMCUTUS OF BORG... YOUR BIOLOGICAL  
DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN... DARLING.

 

>"Darling! Get us out of this!" Sure enough, there in a force-field cage  
>formed by blue "bars", were Lum, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, and Lum's  
>parents. Lum was huge now, barely contained by even her skimpy  
>bikini. 

Tom: [Lum] Run, darling! They do the anal probes... AND LEAVE  
THEM IN!!

 

>That was Ataru's baby in there. Overjoyed to see her, he tried to run  
>over there. But to his shock, he couldn't move.  
>  
>"Rrrrgh!" he groaned. "Oh Lum-chan, I can't move!"  
>  
>"Oh no," she sobbed, starting to cry. "They put you in a force field too!  
>Those.those.bastards!"

Joel: [Ataru] Actually, they just tied my shoelaces together.

Tom: [Lum] A knot!? BASTARDS!!!

 

>Ataru screamed a little when one of the grays strode up to him, staring  
>him down with those unsettling, insect-like eyes. "So, I have heard  
>that Oni is your wife."

Crow: [Gray] It's just a short step from her to me... am I sexy?

 

>"You just wait till I get out of this, Space Ant!" Ataru yelled, trying hard  
>to move. "What do you want her and those other aliens for, anyway?"

Crow: [Gray] Just a little sugar, baby.

Tom: [Gray] Oh, I'm just building an ark... hope you like your new  
five by five cubit room.

 

>"Simple, really," answered the Gray officer in front of him. "We need  
>fuel for our spaceships in our quest to conquer the universe. When news  
>spread that you, an Earthling, had impregnated an Oni, we couldn't  
>believe our luck. The yolk of Oni eggs makes an excellent fuel source.  
>Plus, Oni flesh is quite tasty." 

Joel: [Gray] And we use their skins to role-play.

Crow: [Ataru] Wow, and here I thought it was that edible body  
lotion we used.

 

>After he said this, he peeled back his lips (or at least where his lips  
>should have been), and revealed a mouthful of sinister, needle-like  
>teeth, which he licked with a lavender tongue.

Tom: And his uvula was a foot in diameter and fluorescent green.

Crow: And don't even ask about his tonsils.

 

>Ataru exploded. "You little gray bastard! I'll tear you apart! No one eats  
>my wife if I can do anything about it!"  
>  
>"But I don't think there is much you can do about it," continued the Gray  
>officer. 

Joel: [Ataru] But she's not recommended by Atkins! You can't  
abandon the plan now!

 

>He squinted his eyes slightly and suddenly a powerful electric current  
>coursed through Ataru's body. It must have had at least three times  
>the voltage of Lum's normal shocks. As he stood there, unable to move,  
>feeling like a microwaved TV dinner, the sinister Gray continued his  
>story. 

Tom: [Gray] It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child...

 

>"So we hypnotized some American government agents, and sent them to  
>kidnap the pregnant Oni girl and her friends and family. This would  
>inevitably lead to a war between your pathetic planet and the far-  
>superior militaries of Planets Uru, Fukinokami, and Neptune, and would  
>ultimately spell the end of the human race, leaving Earth ripe for our  
>colonization. 

Tom: [Ataru as Scott Evil] I have a gun in my room. Give me five  
seconds, I'll come back and blow my brains out.

 

>But then when the Urusian ship you were on was sucked into a wormhole  
>that sent you back in time to the Christian year 1947, we thought of an  
>even better idea. 

Crow: [Gray] We decided to let the sisters have you. One good ruler  
upside the head will set you right!

 

>We would hypnotize the American government into giving us the formula  
>for the atomic bomb, at a time when the technology was brand new and  
>only available to the Americans. Then we would use it to not only wipe  
>out human civilization, but also those of the known universe. 

Joel: They can fly through space and can't figure out an atom bomb?

Crow: This is sounding more and more like a Dr. Claw scheme.

 

>They may have more sophisticated technology and better organized  
>militaries, but so far, the atomic bomb is one of the most destructive  
>weapons in the entire universe. And now that it is in our power, there  
>is nothing you can do to stop us."

Tom: Suddenly millions of heroes, both action and super, appeared  
right on cue.

 

>"Dang it," he muttered, "where's Ten-chan when you need him.again? I  
>mean, even if he was becoming the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio, he  
>was still right, and he saved my ass last time!"

Crow: [Ataru] I got sick of having to show him that I was a real boy.

 

>"Sorry, Ataru-chan," Ten answered, fluttering up to him. "But we can't  
>let you do that." To Ataru's horror, the Oni toddler also had that  
>unsettling blank look in his eyes too.  
>  
>"Aghhh!" he groaned. "Not you too! Now what am I supposed to do?"

Tom: I suggest heavy and persistent use of the nearest boomstick.

 

>"There's no need to be afraid," the Gray officer calmly told him. "All we  
>need for you to do for us now is to take this laser knife and cut open  
>your wife, so we can have her egg. 

Crow: [Ataru] Oh, if that's all you... W-WHAT!?

Joel: [Gray] Mmm... she may be incredible but she's not all that  
edible.

 

>And as for the rest, they shall spend the rest of their lives as slaves in our  
>plutonium mines in the Crab Nebula. I'll start by turning off your force  
>field."  
>  
>"The second you do," Ataru growled, as the alien held up a silvery gun,  
>"I'm gonna perform an alien autopsy on you, without knives or  
>anesthetic."

Tom: Now see? This is why you don't give the laser scalpel to the only  
freaking person you DIDN'T hypnotize.

 

>"Well, I don't think you will," the little gray person answered. "I don't  
>think you will." He(she?) fixed its eyes on Ataru. Those deep, dark  
>pools of blackness, holes from which nothing could escape, like black  
>holes, black, deep, dark.

Crow: [Gray] You'll be Maximilian... and you can call me Dr. Reinhardt,  
sweetie. 

 

>The world seemed to grow dull and time itself seemed to slow down.  
>The alien's mighty power was drawing him closer, ever closer,  
>commanding him to kill Lum. 

Joel: [Ataru] We no hurts the hobbitses! But they have my  
precioussss!

 

>"Darling." The voice sounded familiar, unknown yet welcoming, like  
>water on the lips of a man crawling across the desert. Ataru glanced  
>away from the blackness to focus on a green glow slightly above his eye  
>level. There, in the midst of it, was the most gorgeous woman he had  
>ever seen. She had a perfect figure, clad only in a skimpy tiger-striped  
>bikini, long hair, and childlike blue eyes. 

Crow: ...which were quickly passed over for her skimpy tiger-striped  
bikini again.

 

>But something about her was different from all the others; her hair was  
>green, and small, stubby horns poked out of the top of her head. She  
>was gently floating above his eye level, like a leaf in a breeze. She  
>seemed so strange and exotic, and yet also somehow familiar to Ataru. 

Crow: Ahhh... this paragraph is so relaxing... all I need now is a bubbling  
hot tub and a tub of Haagen-Dazs... maybe some soft guitar and...

(Crow notices Tom and Joel staring at him) 

Crow: What!? I've been stressed out lately, OKAY!?

 

>"Darling, I love you with all my heart. Please, please don't hurt me or  
>our child."

Joel: [Ataru] Can I at least administer a spanking? 

Tom: [Lum] But the baby isn't even born yet! 

Joel: [Ataru, slyly] I know. 

 

>Somehow her words spoke to him more strongly than the eyes that were  
>trying to become his mind. Like they were trying to reawaken something  
>in him that he had forgot. Like he had to do something else.

Joel: [Ataru] Every time I think of Lum scolding... oh shoot, the garbage!

 

>"Please, Darling?" pleaded the otherworldly girl, with a plaintive tone  
>that nearly made Ataru drop to his knees and start to cry. As he  
>approached her, with the evil-looking laser knife beam in his arms aimed  
>at her, she sniffed and tears ran from her eyes like a faucet. 

Tom: Flash Gordon was NEVER this weepy.

Joel: It's not the impending surgery without anesthesia... it's that Ataru  
smells like sauerkraut and bar onions.

 

>"These people are evil, Darling! Don't listen to them! Their next move  
>will be to use you and your friends and family to destroy your planet!"  
>  
>But I must, he thought. But I don't really want to, do I ?, he thought.  
>  
>"Yes," answered a cold yet calm voice. "Yes you must. To perform our  
>demands is bliss."

Crow: Man, this is one intense episode of Fear Factor.

 

>"No, Darling!" sobbed the girl. "Please listen to me! Use your mental  
>energy to break this spell!"

Tom: [Lum] Think with your OTHER HEAD for once!

 

>Mental energy, he thought. I never had much mental energy. My average  
>is a D+. How should I stop them?  
>  
>"There is no way," answered the other voice. "Let us be your guides and  
>do our bidding."

Joel: Internal monotone... err, monologue by Ben Stein.

Crow: [Ataru] I'm so confused... should I be saving Lum or Jessie  
Spano?

 

>"Please, Darling?" cooed the floating, bikini-clad girl, who bobbed down  
>to Ataru and kissed him passionately. Ataru could feel himself shifting  
>into high gear as she started peeling away her skimpy clothing, rubbing  
>herself against him, burying her tongue in his mouth, grabbing and  
>squeezing with her arms everywhere.

Crow: [Lum, seductively] You don't need to cut me open to get  
inside me...

Tom: I'd say that this is nothing more than a bad "Boogie Nights" remake,  
but it's always nighttime in space...

 

>"Lum-chan," he gasped. It was all coming back to him now. "Oh  
>Lum-chan, how I love you! I could never let anything bad happen to  
>you!" The blackness vanished from Ataru's field of vision, and soon  
>things fell back into focus.

Crow: And as Ataru witnessed the bloody carnage on the floor, he  
remarked, "Why did I make out with a laser scalpel in my hand?"

 

>He was now standing before the force field cage, with the laser knife  
>still held in position. Lum, plump and rosy with the baby, cowered in  
>the corner with a pinched face and red, tear-stained cheeks. 

Joel: [Ataru] Hey, wait... you weren't pregnant in my head!

 

>She braced herself for the pain when her Darling swung the knife forward.  
>and slashed the wires powering the force field generator! Sure enough,  
>the blue beams vanished.

Crow: [Ataru] Gee... I missed.

 

>"Yeah!" howled Benten. "Gonna use us for slave labor and eat my friend;  
>I don't think so! Eat my boots!" And she rushed toward the Grays.

Tom: [Gray] We told you already, we only eat Oni... gackk!!

 

>The Gray commanders quickly grabbed their energy blasters, but Ataru  
>knocked some out of their hands (along with their heads and arms),  
>while Benten and Lum's parents took care of the rest.

Joel: [Benten] Here, have a pina colada... your feet look like they  
need a rub.

Crow: And the truth was revealed that the Grays were nothing more  
than some renegade Potato Heads.

 

>"Guys!" Ataru announced to his friends, parents, and some American  
>soldiers standing hypnotized nearby. "Think about something you  
>really, really like! I tried thinking about Lum naked! Okay, it doesn't  
>have to be that specific or explicit, but you can picture anything you  
>truly love!"

Joel: Gee, thanks Tony Robbins.

 

>So Ataru's dad pictured himself making out naked with his wife on a  
>tropical beach. Ataru's mom pictured herself making out naked with  
>Rei on the same beach. Mendo pictured himself making out naked with  
>Lum, Sakura, and Asuka on the same beach.

Tom: Yes, it's the long awaited 'Urusei Yatsura Expansion Pack'  
for 'Sexy Beach 3'!

Crow: Meanwhile, Notch Johnson taped them all from the stands at  
Malibu Adjacent.

 

>Shinobu pictured herself making out naked with Inaba. Sakura pictured  
>herself making out naked with Tsubame. Ten pictured making out naked  
>with.well, just about every girl in Tomobiki (even Ataru's mom was  
>there), except of course for Mako.

Joel: [Ataru] Um, okay... I'll just go grab a sandwich or something... let  
me know when you're done... um... picturing.

 

>And Cherry pictured himself eating a full-course luau banquet on the  
>beach, naked. Not that he had some sick food fetish, but he was  
>actually a nudist at heart. He also wanted to try and get rid of his tan  
>line. If you just pictured what Cherry's tan line looks like, you win this  
>year's "Sick Little Monkey of the Year" award.

Crow: As opposed to the dolt WRITING about Cherry's tan line?

 

>"Charrrrrrrge, men!" bellowed Sakura, once she had been jolted out of  
>her trance. The Tomobiki Eight rushed toward the aliens, along with  
>Lum's parents and friends, and a couple hundred formerly mesmerized  
>American soldiers. 

All: [American soldiers] YOOOOOOOO JOE!!!

 

>The aliens tried their mind-control powers on them, but now that they  
>all had their minds set on a clear task, they could mow down the  
>fragile Grays like corn.

Tom: I'd like to mow down that analogy with a roto-tiller.

Crow: If you're expecting originality this far in...

 

>In the end, all the crew suffered were some injuries, burns, and  
>contusions. Ataru stood back and gazed at the crumpled, torn bodies  
>of the Grays. 

Joel: Really makes you think, don't it?

Crow: [Ataru] Well, I can't burn 'em. I don't have a permit.

 

>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I  
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico. 

Tom: Just imagine if he slept with Buffy instead...

 

>Maybe they were right about how a butterfly that flaps its wings in  
>Brazil causes a typhoon in Japan."

Joel: Maybe if the butterfly was MOTHRA.

Crow: Applications of chaos theory to fanfics... clearly THIS ONE  
spun way out of control.

Tom: [Ian Malcolm] This fanfic is not safe.

 

>"Well, either way," Shinobu added, "your hentai sense saved us all.  
>Who'd have thought your libido would one day be our salvation,  
>especially after all the trouble it's gotten us into over the years?"

Crow: Hey, sweet job author! Maybe next time, we can all be saved  
by Mendo's acne!

Tom: Or Cherry's tan line.

 

>"Darling-oop! I think I'm due to lay the egg soon," Lum gasped. 

Joel: [Ataru] About three minutes, right?

 

>Sure enough, she was having trouble breathing, and couldn't keep her  
>legs together.

Tom: Yep, that's pretty much how this whole mess started.

 

>"As school nurse, I'll help deliver this.egg," Sakura offered. She went up  
>to the laboring alien as the others eagerly gathered around.

Crow: [Sakura] Uncle, put that bearnaise sauce away!

Joel: [Sakura] You... boil water! You... get the egg dye! You...  
find a spoon!

 

>Lum's mom said something in the chirpy Oni language which translated  
>to, "Oh! I'm going to be a grandmother soon!" (Actually, our translators  
>have no idea what it actually meant, but we can assume it was along  
>those lines.)

Crow: [Author] Translated verbatim? Okay... "I'm gowwana be a  
grwandmotha soon! I tought I taw the egg!"

 

>As Sakura offered breathing exercises and Ataru bit his lip awaiting the  
>news, he heard the engine of a Jeep entering the hangar. Closely  
>escorted by dark-suited Secret Service agents, was an important-looking  
>figure with specs and a cliff-like jaw. 

Joel: Wow, Egon Spengler's really come up in the world.

Crow: Oh great, they must be here to recruit guests for the Soaprah  
Spinfrey show.

 

>"All stand at attention for Harry Truman, President of the United States!"  
>  
>The President grimaced slightly at the mutilated alien bodies, leaking  
>lavender blood. "So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked.

Crow: [Ataru] Well, I invaded the alien's pearl harbor and now she's  
dropping the bomb.

Tom: Wow... Ataru's got quite a set of euphemisms to say that to  
the President.

 

>"It's.uh, quite an interesting story here, Mr. President," answered the  
>general in charge of Roswell Army Air Field. "Some evil aliens landed  
>here with apparent intent to conquer Earth. They had also kidnapped  
>some other, peaceful aliens, and one of those is about to give birth."

Crow: [General] Then the Third Pixie Battalion along with First  
Motorized Kobolds knocked out the resistance on our left flank...

 

>"Actually, just lay an egg," corrected Mr. Invader. "The baby won't  
>hatch for another nine months."  
>  
>"Right. Anyway, the evil ones were defeated by our troops here and  
>these fine young Japanese people, who claim to be from the year 2002."  
>  
>The President briefly rolled his eyes. "Right," he said. 

Tom: Don't feel bad, Harry. It wasn't that believable to us either.

Joel: [Harry Truman] I could use a warm bed and a hot Bess right about  
now...

 

>"I'm.not gonna ask any more questions, but I am gonna want to have  
>these extraterrestrial bodies and spacecraft kept here for scientific  
>research. And I'd also like this hangar, number 18, kept off limits from  
>now on."

Crow: This is reading like a bad Clive Cussler book.

 

>"Yeah, yeah," exclaimed Mendo in English. "Come witness the miracle  
>of creation!"

Tom: He's so eager for this... he must've bought the baby.

 

>About fifteen minutes later.  
>  
>"Ewww!" groaned Shinobu.  
>  
>"Yecch," answered Ataru.  
>  
>"Barfff!" went Mendo.

(Crow starts tossing something at the screen, catching Joel's attention.)

Joel: Hey Crow, quit trying to throw this poor excuse for theater  
popcorn into their mouths.

Crow: Well, what else should I throw at the screen, my lowered  
expectations?

 

>"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" bellowed Lum.  
>Everyone standing in the room, even the famously rugged President  
>Truman, were knocked over like bowling pins.

Crow: Great, now she just needs to get pregnant eleven more times and  
go for a perfect game.

 

>About two thousand miles away, in a tiny Minnesota town called  
>Frostbite Falls, a small flying squirrel and a large, stupid moose were  
>sitting together outside a shack. "You hear something, Rocky?" asked  
>the moose.  
>  
>"Yeah, sounds like the whistle at the lumber mill again," answered the  
>squirrel.

Crow: That was random.

Tom: Well, this story IS a fractured fairy tale.

 

>Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Lum sat panting in front of a large, wet egg  
>with a shell colored lavender and dotted with pink speckles, about the  
>size of Ten. 

Joel: Then she chucked it at a nearby cloud with a question mark on it.

 

>Although most of the crew had nearly lost their lunches watching the  
>spectacle, and Mendo had, they erupted in cheers for Lum. Ataru  
>joyously ran over and hugged her. "Oh Darling," she sighed, "thank you.  
>I can't wait for the baby to hatch."

Crow: [Lum] You're getting a vasectomy NOW.

 

>President Truman offered thanks and the U.S. Army bade them farewell  
>as the group piled into the Gray's old flying saucer, and flew back  
>through the wormhole to their time. 

Tom: But not before finding a stray Neelix first.

Joel: [Ataru] Can't you please just toss him back out of the airlock?

 

>Their first stop was Washington, D.C., where Lum's parents, etc. helped  
>straighten out the mess between the planets. 

Crow: [Invaders] We now realize that you're not smart enough to pull  
something like this, but it's purely within the realm of reason for you to  
screw up this massively on accident.

 

>The U.S. government hid the saucer at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base  
>in Ohio, where most of the wreckage from the Roswell crash had been  
>stored. After a memorial service for the Oni soldiers who had been killed  
>in the Roswell crash, the President flew them home to Japan on Air Force  
>One, while helping straighten things out with the Japanese government. 

Joel: [President] Look, we already apologized for the racist soda  
jerk... All right, we'll take away his social security and kick his cane  
from underneath him, will THAT appease you!?

 

>Once home, Ataru's parents helped set up a "nest" of old sheets and  
>clothes where Lum could sit on her egg.

Tom: Old sheets and clothes!? Lum, you're the daughter of a planet ruler!  
Tell your cheap ass parents to open the purse strings and get their only  
child some PILLOWS for god's sake!

 

>Oni mothers have to do so for the entire nine-month duration not only  
>to keep it warm, but also to establish an early bond between mother  
>and child. It helps develop telepathic powers.

Joel: [Lum] Oh my god, my baby wants to kill me! 

Crow: [Stewie Griffin] Blast! She wasn't supposed to know till  
AFTER the explosion!

 

>It was a rather dull nine months without Lum to liven things up in  
>Tomobiki, but of course the wait would be well worth it.

Tom: Still, Ataru stayed by Lum's side the entire time right after her  
father broke his legs.

Crow: Amazingly enough, nine months later Harry Truman hatched.

 

>The big day came on a brisk, windy day in mid-October. The Moroboshi  
>house was crammed with journalists, but Lum didn't mind. She had  
>always wanted to be a mother, and her dream would soon finally come  
>true. She had no problem with cameras constantly flashing in front of  
>her face, with her "Darling" in her arms, putting on a typically goofy  
>grin.

Crow: [Jeremy Spangler] And just like in television, happy endings do  
happen. Take care of yourselves. This has been Jeremy's Final  
Thoughts.

 

>"Oh, Ataru-kun!" said Shinobu, sobbing with happiness. "Good luck  
>with your baby! I'm sorry about how I yelled at you when you first got  
>Lum pregnant! I think you'll make a great dad!"

Tom: [Shinobu] Almost as great as Michael Jackson!

 

>"Heh, heh," laughed Ataru's dad, leafing through some yen bills. "Go  
>ahead and have as many kids as you want. If it means all these  
>royalties, go get 'em!"

Joel: [Ataru] Sorry dad, our fifteen minutes are up. Unless Lum can lay  
a double-yolked egg...

 

>"Hey, how about it, hon?" Ataru asked his wife, a hungry grin on his  
>face.

Crow: [Lum] Sure, what's another nine months stuck in this dink  
apartment? Moron.

 

>"Not tonight, Darling. I'll probably be having to nurse the baby and  
>change its diaper. Maybe this weekend." She pulled him in again and  
>smooched him some more, to the delight of all the photographers. "Oh!  
>I can see the first cracks!"  
>  
>Everyone gathered closer. Sure enough, the baby was starting to punch  
>cracks in the shell.

Joel: If it says "Nanu nanu", I will get so ticked off...

Crow: [baby] WAHHHHH!! I'm claustrophobic! I'm scared of the dark! 

Tom: [Ataru] MENNNNNNNNNDOOOOOOO!!!!

 

>"Awright! Lummy's a mommy!" shouted Benten. "Attababy! Show that  
>shell no mercy!"  
>  
>"Yay! A new cousin!" cheered Ten.  
>  
>"Agghh! We're grandparents!" screamed Ataru's parents.  
>  
>"Hooray," added Oyuki simply in her standard monotone.

Crow: [Oyuki] Can I get paid now?

Tom: So... what? Will the egg hatch and be a Gray? Why the hell are  
we still sitting here?

 

>The first piece gave way.Then the shell split in two, and folded open like  
>a book. Out floated a tiny Oni girl! She had her mom's demure face and  
>wide eyes, and her dad's black hair, but hers was long and straight, also  
>like her mom's.

Joel: Ataru knew that it was much more than a hunch...

 

>The baby yawned and stretched in front of the many flashbulbs. Ran  
>quickly dashed forward, dried her off, and dressed her in a small  
>tiger-striped dress similar to the one Lum had worn as a girl. "Mommy!"  
>cried the little one, fluttering toward her mother.  
>  
>"Darling, I've done all the work so far," Lum told her husband, beaming  
>at their brand-new daughter. "Why don't you name her?"  
>  
>"Okay." Ataru thought for a bit. 

Crow: [Ataru] Let's see, no i's at the end of her name... nothing edible  
or even remotely suggestive... Bertha!

 

>"How 'bout Rumiko, after my favorite manga artist."  
>  
>"You mean the beloved creator of 'Ranma ½', the Mermaid Saga, and  
>'Inu-yasha'?" asked Mendo.  
>  
>"But you forgot one," added Shinobu. " 'Maison Ikkoku'! I love that  
>series; it's so romantic!"

Joel: Shouldn't Megane be here to protest this blatant breaking of the  
fourth wall?

 

>"I love that choice!" Lum cooed. She handed the baby to Ataru's waiting  
>arms. "Hello, honey. Your name is Rumiko-chan, or Ruko for short.  
>This is your daddy."

Tom: Will she shock or burn him? Boy, the suspense is just killing me.

 

>"Hi," greeted Ruko, waving at her father. Ataru was struck once again  
>by how intelligent Oni babies are by Earthling standards, but since they  
>do hatch from eggs, that means their heads and brains don't have to be  
>undersized at birth to squeeze out the birth canal.

Crow: [Ataru] Wait a minute... there's a Leap Pad in this eggshell!  
Fraud! FRAUD!!!

 

>Then she glanced over a bit and noticed Mendo.  
>  
>The cameras followed Ruko as she clumsily fluttered toward him and  
>embraced his arm near the shoulder. "Hiya, stud! What's your name?"

Crow: Yeah, she's a Moroboshi all right.

Joel: [Mendo] The name's Mendo and the password is "pre-nuptial".

 

>Everyone in the room bent over laughing as Mendo frightenedly tried to  
>shake off the amorous alien baby. "That's Shutaro Mendo, the richest  
>boy on the planet!" giggled Shinobu. "Good luck with him; he's quite  
>the player!"

Tom: Anna Nicole would be horrified. You marry for money only when  
the spouse is *over* eighty.

 

>"Well, hey, Darling," drawled Ruko, "are you single?"  
>  
>"Well, uhh, sorta." answered Mendo. "Gahhhh, you Onis freak me out!  
>Go play with your parents!" And he grabbed Ruko by her tiny horns  
>and dragged her back to the waiting Ataru and Lum. They, Shinobu,  
>Sakura, Cherry, and Ataru's parents gasped with surprise.  
>  
>"Mendo!" began Lum. "Y-you just grabbed Ruko's horns! Do you know  
>what that means?"

Joel: 25 to life?

 

>"No."  
>  
>Ataru exploded with laughter. "It means you have to marry her, just like  
>what happened with me and Lum! Congratulations, buddy!"  
>  
>"Darling!" cried Ruko, planting kisses all over Mendo's face. 

Tom: End end end the 'fic, get it off the screen... hurry hurry hurry  
hurry or I'm gonna scream...!!

Crow: Don't they have to play tag first?

 

>"Yes I will marry you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life! Of course,  
>we'll have to wait till I'm 16; then we can get married in the American  
>state of Louisiana, but until then, I'm moving in with you, t'cha!" By  
>now everyone in the room, even the journalists, were laughing so hard  
>most of them were wetting their pants. 

Joel: It sounds like we could use a mass housebreaking here.

 

>Mendo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and collapsed  
>to the ground.

Tom: Ziggy could've pulled him out during the Truman scene, but she  
wanted to enjoy the show first.

 

>The End

Crow: That was honestly the worst episode of Jeremy Spangler I've  
ever seen.

 

>Special Bonus Offer! Anyone who caught the Stephen King reference  
>will win a free all-expense paid trip to Neptune to have a date with  
>Oyuki!  
>Call 1- 800-I-LOVE-LUM to win, or send checks of $14.95 to Date  
>Oyuki Sweepstakes, P.O. Box 16466, Pennassagunk, NJ 07666 in the  
>U.S., or in the UK to 17 Lumley Drive, Ralston Purina, Camfordshire,  
>OU8 12B4U. 

Tom: [Randy Newman, singing] Fanfic over and it sucked...

Joel: I can bet that this isn't exactly going into the Truman Library.

Crow: Anybody got a pen and paper?

Joel: (staring at Crow) Are you kidding?

Crow: Yes.

Joel: Seriously though, anybody got anything to say about this fanfic  
besides the usual gripes, grunts and groans?

Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.

Joel: Come again?

Crow: I think that's Latin, Joel. [imitates Val Kilmer] Evidently Mr.  
Servo is an educated bot... now I really hate him.

Joel: But what does it mean?

Crow: Hell if I know. Look it up.

Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.

Crow: Yeah! Ipso Facto THIS, you stupid fanfic!

Joel: (chuckling) Whatever guys. Can we get out of here now? My  
knees are getting stiff.

Tom: Yeah, mine too.

Crow: You don't have any knees, Servo.

Tom: Details, details, let's scram already!

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Crow and Tom stood on the bridge, flanking Joel who was currently  
wearing a white baseball cap backwards and peering through a periscope  
viewer. 

"Joel, are you sure this is such a good idea? Remember what happened  
to the oni ship?" Crow cautioned.

"Ataru and Ten weren't in control of the ship, we are! All we have to  
do is find this Bermuda Wormhole in space and I can guide us back down  
to Earth!"

"But what if we end up in the past like Ataru? I *REALLY* don't  
want to see you in a zoot suit." Tom shuddered.

"Just trust me, guys! I know what I'm... what the heck is that?" Joel  
muttered as he turned the periscope slowly as if following an object. "The  
hell? Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9, pronto!"

A small object floating in earth orbit was now rapidly drifting towards  
them, a moment later, there was a loud thunk noise and the ship suddenly  
ground to a screeching halt, throwing Joel and Crow off their feet to hit  
the floor while Tom swayed unsteadily. A moment later, the loudspeaker  
crackled to life.

"Joel, we just came to a full dead stop, what's going on up there!?"  
Gypsy asked, concerned.

"Well, you're not going to believe this..." Joel replied as he got to his  
feet and looked through the periscope again. "...but I think we've got a  
Denver boot on our ship."

"Dare we ask why a Denver boot is floating around in space?" Crow  
grumbled as he leaned on Tom to get back to his feet.

"I dunno but it must be magnetized because it latched right onto us.  
Gypsy, could you go outside the ship and see if it can be removed? I'd  
do it myself but I get..."

"Spacesick, I know. Hold your horses." Gypsy replied as her  
cylindrical body passed through an access hatch like a worm emerging  
from the ground until she reached the affected area. "It doesn't look  
good, Joel. It's stuck on real tight and we can't blast it off without  
crippling the engines."

"Hmm... couldn't we demagnetize the boot by..." Joel began.

"Forget that science stuff! There's only one way to give da boot to  
that boot!" Tom interrupted as he floated over the counter. "We're  
gonna ACT that thing off!"

"Come again?" Joel replied, confused.

"I get you, Servo! Let's do it!" Crow replied as he struck a dramatic  
pose and orchestrated music began playing. "Home? I have no home..."  
he began in his best Bela Lugosi impression. "Hunted... DESPISED...  
living like an animal... the jungle is my home..."

"But I shall show the vorld that I can be its master! I shall perfect my  
own race of people... a race of atomic supermen..." Tom continued with  
his own Bela Lugosi impression.

"THAT VILL CONQUER THE VORLD!!!" They both exclaimed at  
the same time as the music swelled to a dramatic conclusion. Joel was  
about to say something when he winced at the sound of shearing metal  
and suddenly the ship lurged again as if stung.

"Wow, that's did it! The boot just popped off and the ship's moving  
again!" Gypsy exclaimed.

"But... but how... why would... I don't get..." a bewildered Joel  
rambled on while Crow and Tom strolled together toward the pantry.

"Good job, Crow. We make a good team." Tom said.

"Yeah, though your Lugosi WAS a little wheezy... better work on  
that!" Crow replied laughing as a peeved Tom chased him down the  
corridor.

* * *

DEEP 13

"What, will these hands never be clean?!?" Frank cried as he continued  
to scrub his sore, wrinkled, pink hands in the lab sink. Meanwhile, Dr.  
Forrester offered a sympathetic smile and pat on the back. 

"There, there, Frank... you'll get over this soon... you'll have to, cause  
I'm sure as hell not paying for therapy."

"How I can ever face Hot Dog again!?" Frank sobbed.

Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes. "Just do what I do Frank, bury him in  
cheddar cheese and ketchup. Hmm, speaking of which, Frankie want a  
whistle dog? Huh, do ya?"

"Oh boy!" Frank immediately withdrew his hands from the sink and  
ran in the direction of the kitchen. "Hey hey, wet hands! Use a paper  
towel, you slob!" Dr. Forrester admonished as he snatched a roll before  
chasing after his assistant.

 

...AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical  
Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play of 'Les Manley:  
Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!" Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of My Hopes" Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

Finally, I'd like to again thank Andrew D. Johnson for writing 'My  
Kid's An Alien!' and giving me his approval for the MSTing as  
well as a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not  
offended. Again, it's all meant in good fun. :)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed  
to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I  
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico.

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2005, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


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